


I Spy Through Her Blue Eyes

by Jayenator565



Series: I Spy With These Little Eyes, Something Beginning With...You [6]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: :3, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Badass Clarke, Badass Lexa, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, I promise, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mentions of blood and violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Torture, command
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-25 05:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4948408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayenator565/pseuds/Jayenator565
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to I Spy With My Little Eyes and the next installment in the series. The mission was a success, the terrorists known as the  Mountain Men were defeated and herded into Mt.Weather. Will Lexa be able to get over her lingering depression after another tragic loss in her life? What can I say, never underestimate the power of the Griffins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Beginning With C

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Soldierofthenight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soldierofthenight/gifts).



> If you haven't I highly suggest you read those 3 chapters in the 'I Spy With My Little Eyes' fic before this, maybe even the one shots. They help explain a few things

 

“Anya a word.” She rolled her eyes but slowed her pace regardless. She very much doubted Abby would let her continue in her escape from whatever she deemed necessary to ask at this time. Plus she was a grieving mother, she supposed she owed her this much.

She stopped completely and turned to face the approaching woman

“Dr. Griffin, is there anything I can help you with?”

She watched the older woman square her shoulders and raise her head, “Actually yes there is. I would like to speak with Command.”

Anya studied her, from the clenched jaw to the straightened posture, she didn’t seem particularly hostile but she was a mother who now wasn’t and the psychological complications that entailed were not something Anya wished to ponder on at that moment. 

And even if she did, there was no way Abby was speaking to Lexa anytime soon

“I’m sorry Dr.Griffin but as Indra and I informed the rest of the council she has taken some time off. Rightfully deserved now that the trouble with the Mountain Men is over and all our agents have been reinstated. I’m sure whatever you wished to discuss with her you can discuss with me as interim Command.”

She saw the suspicion in Abby’s face before she could truly hide it but remained firm. There was a reason she and Indra agreed to have her as the interim while Lexa recovered.

“Look I know- I know Clarke got close to someone,” Anya felt her breathing falter, “I don’t kow which one of the agents it was but I imagine they must be grieving and I figured since it is her team she would know who. I just, wanted to be able to be there for them. I just…want to help.”

She saw the beseeching gaze, the sincerity in her tone and relaxed her tensed shoulders. Abby knew Clarke had grown close to someone, the how was another story but at least whoever told her didn’t tell her who it was. She imagined it wasn’t Clarke considering how stained their relationship was and the fact that her kidnapping forced Clarke into action almost immediately. Anya doubted they had time for pleasantries aside from saying their goodbyes.

Seeing the lingering moisture in the doctor’s eyes Anya could feel the weight of the report she had just recorded from Raven like a cement block in her hands.

“I’ll see if Command knows anything for you Abby but as far as I know everyone maintained professional relationships within the team. I very much doubt Alexandria would have allowed anything less.” She gave a small smile to help carry her case

“Right, of course. Thank you Anya.” She nodded and continued on, her shoulders feeling much heavier than a few hours previous.

Making her way to the elevator used by only Command and those affiliated with her, she took the elevator back to Command’s level in the Ark base. The same level that the team worked out of exclusively while the Mountain was still a threat. Most presumed the level to be the highest point of the building but in actuality it was located underground. Their gym and cafeteria areas were on the highest level but below the base, that was where Command’s room, mission control and monitoring console and the team’s living quarters were located. The other agents’ training areas and food stations were located on different floors.

She felt the exhaustion kicking in all through the descent of the lift. She definitely wasn’t’ as young as she used to be. She let out a relieved breath when Luna met her once the doors opened.

“Luna, it has been awhile.” The red head smirked at her, “Certainly has, no calls Anya, no ‘how are you’s and it’s only been what? 5 years?”

She smiled and hugged her old friend, “It’s called deep cover for a reason. Even if you don’t really have any loved ones to protect from the Mountain Men, your life was put at risk as well and the council agreed that only we and the new Command and her team would stay on base.”

Luna hummed and walked forward, brushing past her into the elevator and making Anya roll her eyes, “Semantics dear. I must really thank Alexandria for the promotion to head of training for the elite group, about time you and Indra take some time off…well you can whenever she gets back from her vacation I suppose.”

“Ciao Anya.”, she said it questioningly as if expecting Anya to rejoin her on the elevator, probably to get food but she gave a short shake of her head

“I’ll catch up with you later Luna.”

Watching the doors close she resumed her task, navigating the lit hallways till she approached the one that was most traveled in recent times.

Ryder nodded and stood straighter on her approach. Upon entering the room Raven spared her a glance but remained uncharacteristically silent. Though she supposed remembering the state she found Lexa in for the report she gave earlier that day had been a depressing affair.

The girl turned back around in her chair and eyes the shuddering breaths of her friend who lay resolutely stoic, refusing to meet with either of their eyes. She was propped up by two black pillows, dressed in a light grey tank top and red cotton shorts. Hair braided, she guessed it was Raven that did it as her arms were still strapped to the bed rails by her wrists. Just a precaution…just following procedures for what to do when an agent harms themselves. It was just for a few days until they could be sure she wouldn’t do it again.

Anya thinks that is what she fears the most, they can never really be sure she won’t do it again.

She continues to stare at the wall in front of her, eyes unfocused, expression eerily neutral. Like she hasn’t even registered the fact that Anya just entered the room.

She moves to the end of the bed, entering her eye sight, sighs, and begins the debrief.

It is about twenty minutes later when she leaves the room, thoroughly exhausted at trying to find, well, just about anything besides the sorrow in her adopted daughter’s gaze. There has always been a pain lodged in her soul. A pain she can’t really even hope to understand. Anya remembers though, a time before her parents died. Because they had met prior to that event. She remembers the little five year old, how she and Costia used to play in the training rooms like they were just giant secret playgrounds that only they could use. She remembers a time when her laughter was carefree and her ears tinged in color at the slightest teasing. When she would laugh and leap and by all accounts frolic in her happiness. She remembered Lexa before the Ark entered her life and changed her as it did with all of them. And she slumps on the wall not too far from the door she just exited, and she cries.

She cries for the little 6 year old and the memories forever etched in her skull of her parents’ massacre

She cries for the teenager, looking at the blood stains in her new home, Anya's home and wondering why Costia isn’t there.

And she cries for the young woman who had finally found something to hold onto, to grasp with all her might. She found love and watched in bloody slow motion as it was also ripped from the shreds of her soul and pummeled into the ground till she was left as nothing but a bleak shell with seemingly no purpose.

She wept, because for just a moment, even if it was the tiniest of glances, she saw her little girl frolic again for a short time.

And when Raven finally left the room, probably just to get them dinner, she didn’t question Anya’s hunched state. She just signaled to Ryder as they led her away from Lexa’s living quarters and into her own.

She remembered to text Luna briefly before the throes of sleep took her. Tomorrow she’d have to reintroduce the old Elite Guard back into the fold and decide who of Lexa’s team would remain in their decidedly accelerated positions. Tomorrow she would have to watch over hundreds of missions as they launched anew or returned successful or not at all. And she would have to take the role that was thrust onto her daughter far too soon.

She wondered if deep down Lexa blamed her. For not protecting Costia, for getting kidnapped and forcing the mission to get moved up. She knows she hates herself, casts blame each and every day for all the things she could and should have done to prevent this hurt.

There was a solution they had been working on, a way to at least bring closure. A mission for the team. It wasn’t by any means a humane mission, it wasn’t purely based on justice. The remaining Mountain Men had been unable to leave their base, all attempts at brokering a peace deal denied. Anyone seen leaving the base was shot on sight.

A mission to motivate the team to get back on their feet by eradicating what was left of the terrorists that killed so many of them for so many years. Maybe even recover Clarke’s body from wherever they had taken it and whatever they’d done with it. A revenge mission really. It had been the first thing Thelonious suggested when he heard of Clarke’s passing.

She hadn’t thought it necessary when it was first proposed but it had been a week after Clarke’s death and they needed the Elite Guard back sooner rather than later.

Tomorrow she would hash out the details with Indra

For now though, she would rest, or she would at least try

 

\--

 

_It hurt, the brace tightened around her knee, not used to this kind of movement but she kept on. When it happened Anya had been called on her private comm by Indra. Anya then moved to the back of their transport plane to radio in and tell the rest of the team, choosing not to tell Octavia and Lincoln in case they attempted to turn around and go back against orders._

_She skidded around the corner, almost knocking into the wall and Indra. The older woman seemed to be staring off into the distance, somber. She ran further, past Ryder. Those noises…they would haunt her for some time she was sure._

_She only paused a second at the sudden silence before rushing in._

_Blood_

_That was the first thing her mind registered, the red around her hands, in her blood shot eyes, scratches on her arm…near her wrist_

_Too near to her wrist_

_She was shaking and she wouldn’t stop punching the damn wall. As if that would make things better, like she needed to hurt physically so that the emotional pain wouldn’t completely destroy her._

_“Stop!” The girl neither stopped nor even paused. She just continued. There was so much blood_

_Raven ran to her, tried to grab her elbow, instead getting hit in the nose. She felt her own blood join into the mix as it drizzled by her upper lip. Sending out a call for Indra, Tristan and Ryder she tried again this time more wary of retaliation._

_She was able to at least turn her away from the wall but suddenly Lexa’s sights were on her and Raven rolled and ducked as best she could._

_That was when Ryder finally arrived but before they could blink she had him down on his back._

_Raven barreled into her rolled until she was straddling her friend, “Lexa STOP PLEASE!”_

_But the girl was beyond lucid. She was surprised the blood loss didn’t seem to be affecting her strength._

_Finally, Anya had arrived with Indra and Tristan holding her up, taking in the scene. Raven on Lexa’s arms and Ryder on her legs she gave one sharp bark_

_“Stand down Commander Woods! That’s an order soldier!”_

_All the years of naval training in accordance with the Ark Academy’s guidelines kicked in and Lexa felt herself finally slump into relaxation. Moments later they would realize she had fainted from the blood steadily pouring from the gouges in her forearm._

_“How did she even do this?” Anya questioned angrily_

_“Looks like she ripped the console screen off. The glass must have caught in her arms. It’s my fault, I should never have left her alone. I didn’t think she’d-_

_“No you didn’t fucking think!” Raven practically screeched, “My best friend almost died because of your negligence!”_

_She turned her fury to the supposed bodyguards,” And you two, where the FUCK were you!?” she demanded addressing Ryder and Tristan._

_“Please Raven.” Anya reached out to her, to calm her_

_“Raven”_

_Raven_

She shot up in bed, breaths quick and sharp. Looking at her shoulder she realized what woke her. Octavia hovered, sitting beside her on the bed clearly concerned.

“Hey, you in there smart ass?”

The shock of the question had Raven chuckling heartily. She noted the sweat trailing down her body and sighed, she’d definitely need a shower.

“Yeah O I’m good,” She said once her breathing was back under control

“It was just a bad dream Rae.”

Raven shook her head at that. No that was no dream, “More like a memory.” She squeezed her fists tightly as the vestiges of her anger trickled out of her body.

 

\--

 

It was another week and a half before Lexa returned to doing anything that resembled normalcy. The only people that knew about her episode were Anya, Indra, Raven, _Tristan_ and Ryder and she fully intended on keeping it that way. She focused her exercise routine on jogging and leg presses, not wanting to accidentally rip the stitches in her hands. She still wasn’t talking much aside from saying a greeting here and there.

Long sleeves hid her bandages, but nothing could truly hide her scars. She was robotic in every sense of the word and it hurt to watch. She was busy but she usually made time to interact and train with those on her team so to find her back from her sudden ‘vacation’ and more closed off than before it didn’t take much for them to assume she felt especially guilty about the mission.

While they may not have known Clarke long, she had fit in with them in a way that was almost unprecedented. Like she was meant to be there. Training with them, teaching them, just hanging out in the café.

They had assumed the relationship she held with Command was purely professional but now Octavia and Wells especially had begun wondering if perhaps a friendship had blossomed with their stoic leader.

It was another week when it happened.

Lexa had met with Anya detailing her return to office. She had been cleared by Nyko and for all accounts Anya couldn’t actually deny her if she wanted. Lexa was still Command unless a council vote said otherwise and she and Indra were the only council members who knew the truth behind her ‘vacation’.

Raven had been worried, wondering why she hadn’t taken more time to herself. She practically begged her to allow more time to heal both emotionally and physically but Lexa refused. It was suspicious but she guessed if she kept busy with work maybe she’d think less about her most recent loss.

Raven was wrong

The next day Lexa initiated the steps to begin with Thelonious’ plan

 

Raven limped after her best friend and she rushed to her office, “Are you fucking kidding me with that announcement!? Lexa!”

She sighed and rolled her eyes, slowing her long strides enough for the young genius to catch up.

The bandage was finally off her nose though a bit of bruising still showed and she grimaced at the sight of it.

She couldn’t meet the other brunette’s eyes when she spoke, “This isn’t up for discussion Raven. My mind’s been made for a while now.”

Raven looked incredulous as she walked beside her, “What do you mean a while? Who the fuck told you about this? Was it Wells? Cause as far as I’m concerned both of you are in this way too deep to make any sane decisions right now.”

Lexa growled but refrained from commenting

Raven let out a breath and squared her shoulders grabbing her friend’s wrist and brought her down an empty side corridor, “Look, what happened with Cl-“, at the nearly murderous glare she retracted, “What happened was a damn tragedy ok. I get that, you fell far deeper than you planned but sometimes that’s just how love is.”

 She saw the moment Lexa’s walls came back up at the mention of love but she persevered

“Lex-“

“No, this isn’t a negotiation Raven, this mission is happening and I’m taking point.”

She went to pull her wrist away but found it trapped in a vice like grip

“You’re what?” Raven looked at her surprised

“You are in NO condition to be going on ops, let alone taking point. Are you fucking insane? Lexa you’re grieving and I get that but as much as you don’t wanna hear this you are the leader of a global unit in charge of protecting the citizens of this country and the world’s innocents! This is bigger than one girl, no matter what you may feel for her…” she ended pressing what she hoped was a comforting hand on the taller girl’s shoulder. But her friend just shrugged it off.

Lexa felt the moment the shards that remained in her chest stabbed her before she broke down, in a whisper, “That’s the thing about this whole shitty existence I’ve been forced into.” She felt the tears travel slowly from her eyes.

“Don’t you get it Rae? I. Don’t. Care. Anymore. I am literally responsible for thousands of lives all around the globe and I don’t _care_. None of that matters to me right now because all I can think about is _her_!”, she hissed while her voice cracked

Raven saw her friend advance, and though she knew that she would never intentionally harm her, it was safe to say Lexa wasn’t entirely in the right state of mind. She backed up until the cool metal of the Ark seeped through her t-shirt.

“I want the Mountain men dead. All of them…”

 

\--

 

The mission was simple enough. There were round the clock sentries posted at all possible entrances to Mount Weather, the base Clarke had infiltrated and the last base that the Ark had yet to eradicate. Lexa didn’t force anyone to participate. Only those that volunteered made up the unit.

Lexa was the team lead with Lincoln as her second. He had adamantly refused that they go on the mission, on Raven’s side and Anya’s who also voiced her indecision after learning Lexa wanted to go in despite still recovering from her self-inflicted wounds. In the end he only accepted the mission because Octavia insisted on avenging someone who had quickly become like a sister to her. Bellamy of course went as well along with Miller, Harper, Monroe and Fox. Wells was Lexa’s first defender of the mission so his participation wasn’t a question.

Normally when a threat needed to be dealt with instead of potentially sacrificing the lives of their agents a safer disabler would be used. Like say a bomb; especially since there was no telling how many of their members had survived Clarke’s assault or even how many weapons they still had in their possession. Most of the original monitoring system they had in place was swept and disabled the day after Clarke’s mission. But this…it had become personal for many of them. Honestly Bellamy would have volunteered even without Octavia.

They geared up and set out a few days later. Lincoln was in the pilot seat of their jet, Anya was set up at the Command’s mission Console to help give them some eyes in the skies while Monty waited patiently for Miller to install the USB he gave him into the nearest computer so he could remotely hack the cameras.

It was a blood bathe, just a planned. Bullets flew as the team formed up in perfect synchronization taking each other’s backs and coming to stand guard as the forward agents stepped back to reload.

The cameras showed a few scattered groups that were quickly picked off, an underground level that for some reason had no camera surveillance and a room of 50 men strong surrounded a recognized Mountain Man leader, Dante Wallace and his personal guard, Emerson.

When they ran out of the bullets, leaving some reserved for the room with Dante and his men they resorted to icers, the building would be bombed after they left anyway.

When they ran out of icers Lexa, Monroe, Octavia and Wells resorted to using their fists despite Raven’s yells of protest through their comms. They rounded the final bleak corridor of the former military base and rushed the door. Harper and Monroe went in first dropping flash bangs and downing five agents in the initial wave while Lexa jumped into the fray take 4 on at once. They all had protective gear for their eyes on. Octavia took down two in quick succession with her daggers and shot the 1 coming behind Bellamy who was wrestling with an armored guy on the floor, fighting to get his revolver. Miller came up and knocked the guy out just in time for Bellamy to take a shot at the rest of them. By the time the bright light cleared Emerson was groveling under Fox’s boot begging for mercy and Dante was as calm as ever, hands up, face accepting.

Before he could even open his mouth Lexa had shot him squarely between the eyes. She strided over to the open doorway and opened her comm link

“Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t we missing someone?” She asked eerily peaceful

 ** _“That’s a positive alpha 565, Cage Wallace is yet to be accounted for.”_** Monty squawked through his end double checking the cameras available,

**_“The only place he could be is on the lower levels where there aren’t any cameras…do we really want to be making that risk, er, alpha…”_ **

Lexa looked back, eyeing each member of her team. All of them were varying degrees of soaked on blood but determination and anger still shone in many eyes.

“We’ll take that risk. Thank you Monty.”

 ** _“Alexan-“,_** she muted the controls before Anya and raven could attempt to belittle her some more

They marched quietly through the base, following the exit signs until they found the master stair well.

The door at the bottom was bolted but two quick punches to the control panel by Wells had the door sliding open easily enough. The area beyond completely black.

Monroe signaled for Bellamy to watch her left and Lincoln to back him up as Lexa took the first step into the room. Immediately the lights shone on them, shockingly blinding.

Once their eyes adjusted all that could be heard were gasps.

There in the middle of the room was the girl they all thought long dead

Clarke’s head lolled forward in the chair, her arms and legs bound, but they couldn’t mistake the shallow movements coming from her chest. Her shirt was torn and filthy, blood stained it all over. Her hair was matted, scars and bruises visible against her unusually pale skin.

Lexa was frozen in the spot, she vaguely registered her labored breathing. Octavia and Wells sprinted forward eager to release the girl and get the hell out of there. The moment the ropes fell from her limbs Clarke struck.

She lunged forward from her chair and barreled into Wells chest, giving a quick knock to his head and rendering him unconscious. Octavia backed up as Fox and Bellamy came to flank her. Arms out in a sign of peace.  But Lexa could see the unfocused and fearful look in her eye. Whatever they had done to her, Clarke wasn’t present in the moment. Her mind was somewhere far away with the horrors they had probably done to her.

Lexa ran to intervene before the blonde could strike again, all she had to do was say one word,

“…Clarke.”

The blonde’s frame began shaking and torrents of water streamed from her eyes, Lexa stretched to catch her before she could meet the ground, “It’s ok, you’re safe now. I’m here.” Her tears didn’t stop until she finally passed out from fatigue.

 

\--

 

“This isn’t your faul-“

“Save it.” Lexa sat, a watchful protector even in the safety of her living quarters in the Ark. She was on the couch that she’d moved up to the edge of her bed where Clarke lay. Unconscious, bandaged and bathed. An IV was attached to her arm.

It was a wonder they found her alive, but as she had come to learn it would always be a mistake to underestimate the blonde. She was so full of life, so determined to keep surviving. Even going so far as to attack her would be oppressors the moment she felt a sliver of freedom with 4 broken ribs and a fractured right hand. The first thing they did when they got her out of the base was bandage up the laceration on her upper thigh. That alone could have killed her in minutes. Not to mention the fact that she was severely malnourished. Lexa didn’t want to imagine what she had gone through

What she had left her to go through.

So she easily ignored Anya’s pleas. Her somber mood cutting through the initial gratitude and joy they had ay finding the girl and giving way to a simmering anger. After figuring she wouldn’t be leaving the girl’s side anytime soon Miller suggested they move her to Lexa’s room. There was more than enough space to set up the IV line and Nyko was only two doors away if there was an emergency.

She gazed upon her resting form saying a silent prayer of relief at the rise and fall of her chest. Even as Anya prattled on in an attempt to appease her guilt.

“-you couldn’t have known. You can’t blame yourself for leaving her behind.”

“Yes, I can. What’s the point of all this secret intelligence, all this innovative tech? What’s the point if it can’t even tell me when my agent is alive or dead? Isn’t Command supposed to know all this shit, have all this intel so they save their agents?”

She said all this without peeling her eyes away from her bed and Anya sighed, “You can’t save everyone Lexi.”

“She isn’t just anyone!” Anya collapsed next to the girl that was like a daughter to her and brought her arms around her, waiting patiently as the tense shoulders hunched and the girl rolled in on herself, clutching desperately at Anya’s shirt

“It’s my fault, I gave the order to leave her behind. I left her. If I had just ordered them to go in after her then-“

“Then we all could have died that day Lexa.”

The brunette lay there curled up even hours after her mentor retired for the night. She felt her guilt and anger seep back into her pores. Lifting her head from where it rested in the curve of her forearms and stretching her knees from where they lay crossed under her, she slumped against the back cushions on the couch inhaling deeply.

She brought her palms to ground on her closed eyelids, fingers clenching hard on her forehead. Maybe too hard…Just as her nails began digging into her skin she yelped feeling a finger flick against her own before a left hand came to grasp her right one.

Ever so slowly, she lowered her palms, gently grabbing the one around her own before opening her eyes, meeting brilliant blue. Lexa gaped, words failing her at the weak grin she never thought she’d see again.

“Hi” the voice in front of her croaked

“Hey” she brought a hand up over her mouth, sniffling, tears escaping her traitorous eyes.

 

\--

 

“Are you mad at me?” Something was wrong she knew. And of course she had every right to be mad at her but still Lexa needed to know, needed confirmation of some kind because _this_ , this wasn’t right.

Clarke’s head turned to her slowly, almost hesitantly. When their eyes met there was something missing and she knew that the girl had been tortured and she knew that they had abandoned her for a little over a month but still. Something had changed.

“I’m not mad at you. There was no way you could have known I was alive. They got me unconscious and surgically messed with the comm in my hearing aid. For all intents and purposes I was dead.”

Lexa shook her head vehemently, “No, please. Don’t say that word.”

She saw Clarke’s brow furrow at the distress that she was sure was painted onto her features. She sat herself up straighter and opened her arms with a gestured ‘come here’.

It was all Lexa needed before she collapsed into the familiar warmth and breathed in her scent. Her breath stuttered and she shook in her arms willing the tears to stop their descent. Through all this Clarke just held her and shushed her, saying she was here now that she was safe, with her.

She finally managed to sniffle but couldn’t bring her head away from the protective crook between the blonde’s shoulder and neck. She kissed the skin in front of her tentatively and almost panicked when the blonde tensed but breathed a sigh of relief when Clarke immediately relaxed.

In a feeble voice, too soft to be her own she asked, “If you aren’t angry at me then why won’t you say it?”

She felt the arms around her tighten as Clarke leaned in to press a hard kiss to her head, “Say what?”

“My name Clarke, you haven’t said it since we got you back.”

She felt the arms loosen and huffed, but complied when they came to position her so she could look into steely blue eyes. She barely registered the finger subconsciously stroking her cheek.

“I promise, I’m not mad at you Alexandria.”

Their lips brushed together briefly but Lexa was fighting to stay relaxed, willing her body not to tense. Because she finally figured out what was wrong, this was Clarke…but this was not _her_ Clarke...

 

 


	2. Something Beginning With R

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump, what really happened to Clarke during the 49 days between her mission in Mt.Weather and later rescue by Lexa's squad. Enter Dante and Cage Wallace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Lexa in this, she'll be in the next chapter, but we will get quite a bit of Clarke's POV

 

“Tell agent Stark the pill better damn well work, shit!"

She reached behind her for the standard issue glock, having run out of her .9 mm bullets a while ago.  Rolling behind the very control panel she had just used to attach Monty’s ingenious piece of coding mayhem to in order to upload the program that would both transmit the Mountain Men’s files to the Ark Database and then completely erase their servers and hard drives.

Bullets rained down on her and she timed it in her head,

_‘6, 7, 8, 9, click’_

She bolted up as soon as their clips emptied and fired her last two shots, taking two more with her to the grave. Because that’s where she was planning on going from here.

There was just way too many of them surrounding her and she had been at this for a little over 2 hours. Still she hadn’t quite taken a bite of the pill that should effectively end her life. She had just one more thing to get off her chest. She could feel from the blood running down her face that she was grazed and that the comm was getting interference now they knew which room to target with their radio jamming tech, but she still had to try.

Ensuring it was set on Command’s private line she took a deep breath, “Tell my mom I’m sorry, I mean everything that happened still sucks but I’m sorry and also…”

She took out her katana and crawled under the table to the right of the console just as the men began moving in on her with new clips in their guns.

“Life’s too fucking sh-short to not say this Lex. I…ai hod yu in. SHIT!”

She barely managed to jump out of the way as a grenade was pelted right at her. She wasn’t far enough to escape the blast range. Turns out those idiots were prepared to kill themselves if it meant taking her down too. Probably didn’t realize her mission was already done. Her fight was over.

She smirked as the wind was knocked out of her when her back harshly met metal walls, feeling the pill travel down her throat just before she blacked out.

 

\--

 

She woke up with a start, immediately detained by what felt like…metal arms. No matter how much she struggled she couldn’t free herself. And that was only secondary to the foreign instrument she felt lodged in her throat. She vaguely noted the choking sounds coming from her chest and whatever it was grew, threatening to break the bones in her neck. Definitely leaving some bruising and possible internal scarring.

She logged this information for later, ending her immediate escape since apparently Reyes didn’t do her damn job properly. She couldn’t really blame her though. I mean yes she accelerated the pill’s effects specifically for her but she had yet to test it on a human simulation let alone on Clarke’s enhanced biology.

Just when she thought she was going to suffocate and have done what she intended in the first place…die. The weird object traveled upwards before escaping by her mouth. Out of her peripheral she vaguely made out a pair of tongs holding what looked a lot like the red tablet she had been handed by Raven earlier…oh.

_‘Well that's just fucking fantastic, fuck me.’_

She willed herself to black out again.

 

\--

 

Inventory. Right arm, left arm? Check. Legs? Stiff but attached. So I haven’t had anything removed so far. Head is good or else how else would this inner monologue go right? Ok no, bad. Maybe let’s not ask myself sarcastic questions. Heart beat constant, breathing steady. The pill failed, my ear is on fucking fire. Gonna guess the comm is gone. That means there’s no way to contact the Ark.

Bringing her tongue to the controls for her hearing aid buried in her tooth she registered the tinge of blood outlining it.

Whelp that floating sucks. No Ark means I’m basically on my own. No way they think I’m still alive. And even if they did it’d take a bit to mount a rescue mission. Even with the Council’s full approval. So yea I’m on my own. Ok Griffin think. Use that big brain and your senses. Figure a way out.

Smells like bloody disinfectant but not much else, maybe a bit of

*sniff*

Is that cinnamon? Someone wearing cinnamon perfume maybe? Guess a woman was in here though I’d hate to stereotype. Slight periodic draft, right hand corner, coming from somewhere above me. Possible vent, no telling how big without looking. There doesn’t seem to be anyone in here monitoring me currently, at least nothing human. Could be a super cool robot for all I know just waiting for the slightest change in my vitals to come apprehend me. Would explain the constraints I had trouble breaking out of while they got the pill from my throat.

Speaking of that looked barely digested, I’m guessing I haven’t actually been out for that long. Both good and bad I guess.

*creak*

*click, click, click*

*scuff, scuff*

Oh ho! Someone’s finally come to check on me, how lovely. Those heels must be high, they are clearly begging for me to break their ankles, I mean, how can I not? No, focus here. And that cinnamon smell again. Light’s being blocked out on the left side, she’s leaning over me. Bed weight adjusted, she must be leaning on the bed rail with one hand. Near my face, a bit too near. Oh she’s probably gonna-

Bright white burst from behind her eyelids.

Yup shine a bloody light in my closed eyes, thanks for that.

“By all accounts and purposes she’s still asleep. Breathing and heart rate hasn’t changed, her body is still almost fully relaxed.”

Yup a woman for sure, maybe mid-thirties, American accent though there is a hint of something else there.

“Maybe but there is quite a bit of brain activity there.”

Brain act-shit! Calm ok calm think, no stop thinking. Ok not completely then they’ll get suspicious just little less chaotic. Are these even real time reports? How the heck did they get a node or sensor or whatever onto my brain!? My ear maybe? They must have removed my hearing aid no telling what they surgically inserted.

“She could just be dreaming Sir. She did experience a few traumatic experiences before blacking out.”

“Heh, it’ll be nothing compared to what’s going to happen when she wakes up. Keep me updated Tsing.”

*scuff, scuff, scuff, creak,*

Wait I know that voice. That damn greasy weasel, Cage Wallace. Why the fuck is daddy’s boy overseeing me? Explains the shuffling limp noise, must still be banged up from when I got the drop on him earlier. Should have twisted his knee. Next time I’ll make sure I break it. 

Guess Dante had more immediate concerns, although I can’t imagine what could be more important than getting information about the person that infiltrated and took down the last of their operation. Guess I should be happy. Maybe they don’t see me as that much of a threat.

Well he’s gone, hopefully just this Tsing person. I could probably make something out of this.

She waited, obviously this person was some kind of doctor, measuring her breathing on a watch and fiddling with the heart monitor machine. Just as she brought what Clarke though was a stethoscope to her chest Clarke latched onto her arm and her eyes popped open but her vitals on the machine monitors remained the same.

The woman looked stunned into silence.

“Ssshhh” she whispered bringing the finger of her right hand to her mouth while the other still grasped the woman’s.

Kinda always wanted to do that.

A quick punch sent the woman sprawling to the floor knocked out.

Ok planning time, turning to face the ceiling, yup those are security cameras and there is a vent but that is hella tiny. Facing back towards the door she shrugged. No other way. She grabbed a carelessly placed scalpel and stopped to take a breath before lunging through the door.

It was an oddly sterile white hallway, completely void of life. Across the hall she saw a room that mirrored her own but no one was in it. Picking a direction she ran through the twisting identical hallways and prayed she wasn’t going in circles. The head concussion and burning from her ear, really not helping with her sense of direction or you know, the whole standing upright thing.

Rounding a corner she almost collapsed onto her knees but managed to lean her weight onto the wall beside her. With the security cameras around here it was only a matter of time before they found her. Gritting her teeth she carried on until she was met with the back of an unsuspecting victim. She paused though, this person was dressed…weird. In some kind of hazmat suit. As far as she could tell all they were doing were mopping but maybe she didn’t want to get to near to the potentially radioactive substance she was cleaning up.

Moving up behind her in a crouch she stood and grasped her neck through the suit, forcing the scalpel through the material until it rested lightly on the person’s neck. Hearing a whimper she let out a relieved sigh. Anyone could have been in the suit, even someone as muscular as Lincoln and honestly she did not have the time or energy to deal with tall dark and trying to kill her right now. A female was less likely to try and over power her in this situation. Or they would at least play at going along with her until they found an escape.

“I suggest no screaming, or else your throat will be punctured before you can even open your mouth.”

Feeling her nod lightly she continued, “Take me to the way out of here.”

Feeling hesitancy in the set of her body she pressed ever so slightly on the blade of the scalpel and felt the girl turn around and take a right, bringing a card out from a pouch on her suit and revealing an elevator door the same color as the rest of the walls. It had blended in nicely with the rest of the lavishly bland interior.

Once inside the figure froze again so Clarke turned her coming face to face with the brunette. Huh she’s kinda cute, a bit pale…very pale. I bet removing the suit will give her some initiative if her immune systems sucks so much as to make her look this sickly.

Smirking she removed the scalpel and helmet of the hazmat in one gesture before coming face to face with her. Fear was evident but there was also a level of determination that Clarke really did admire.

“I really don’t have time for games, kind of on a crunch schedule but I’ll tell you what. You can help me get to the level that will get me out of here or I can kill you now and just guess. Believe me I can be a great guesser when under pressure so really, it’s up to you. Either add to my growing body count or help me.”

She finished, smile still in place and head cocked to the side.

The girl hurried to nod and enter in G1 on the elevator.

G1, ground level 1 of course it makes sense. And we’re moving up. Well those identical hallways weren’t on the schematics they sent me with this mission. Of course some of Mt.Weather has to be underground.

In the back of her mind her paranoia was raging, I mean this was a bit too easy, right?  Of course that truth wouldn’t make itself known till after we exit the elevator and proceed down now familiar hallways.

She released the girl from her hold, slowly removing the scalpel. That was when she learned to always listen to her instincts no matter how paranoid they may make her seem.

Cage walked out of a door in front of them and around a dozen armed guards had surrounded the girls. Clarke sighed before quickly grabbing the girl again by her forearm and keeping her anchored by her side. She really didn’t want to kill her but hey she needed leverage.

Cage casually ran a hand through his hair, leaning on a cane to take the weight off his bandaged knee.

“Now, now Ms.Griffin. No need to resort to violence.”

She raised a brow, both at the statement and the fact that he knew her name. Then she gestured with her chin at the armed men and women around her.

“Ah yes, just a precaution.” He said with what she assumed was supposed to be a charming smile.

“How about you let go of Ms. Vie and make your way back to the lower levels?”

From her periphery she could just make out 3 people slowly creep towards her and rolled her eyes.

Really, is it that hard to be subtle about your intentions? If you’re gonna try to knock out someone from behind at least be sure you’re completely out of their field of view.

She rolled her eyes

Amateurs

The blonde brought Ms.Vie’s back to her front, holding her in a soft choke hold so she could still breathe. She gasped but did not try to struggle in the blonde’s grasp. Clarke revealed the scalpel and let it rest in its previous position by her neck. If she could she would give her an apologetic glance, she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You know if the wrong place meant an international terrorist organization that practiced biological warfare on innocents. Not that there would be a good time to be found in said wrong place…

Cage put his hands up, as if she really feared anything from him.

Would love it if the guys with the guns were the ones putting their hands up but you know. I’ll manage. Then again if they wanted me dead they could have done it while I was still unconscious. No they need me alive, they need my knowledge. If they know who I am then they can guess what I know. I could always try to play the lone wolf card but then I rescued Anya, probably caught that on their security feed.

“OK hard way it is although, if you kill Ms.Vie I’m afraid I’ll be forced to hurt this nice young lady in return.”

A woman came out of the door Cage appeared from earlier, dragged by a rather burly man that could give Lincoln’s guns a run for their money. Clarke narrowed her eyes confused.

Does he really expect me to care if he kills a random girl? What is she one of his own, an innocent? No offense to her or anything but I very much like surviving very much and…wait.

Hazel eyes, black hair all common. So why does that face ring a very loud bell? Hazel eyes…I know those eyes I-I can’t remember. I know-

She was cut off hearing a click behind her. She turned just in time to see that the people behind her had stepped quite a ways back and a woman with her hand cocked back had just thrown what resembled a mini grenade.

SHIT! So much for focus Griffin!

She ran forward pushing the girl as forcefully into Cage as she could before she noticed Ms.Vie come face first into a transparent wall. She ran forward slamming her fist in it. Cage smiling until he saw it begin to crack. Their eyes met just as Clarke hunched over the girl and the explosion went off.

Her back felt wet, she gasped at the feel of shrapnel piercing her spine forcing her to collapse on top the girl before she once again lost consciousness.

 

\--

 

Pain, it registered everywhere, starting from her lower spine, her legs, and her neck. And of course her fucking ear was still recovering. Thankfully she was lying on her front by some miracle. One tiny mercy because she was fairly certain she was still in Mt. Weather, and who knew how long until The Ark decided to bomb the damn place, as was the procedure. The chill she felt on her back mean she was indeed topless.

Inventory, right arm, stiff but doesn’t seem to be hurt. Left arm…something’s lodged in there, just above the elbow. Tiny but there, probably shrapnel. Right leg….right leg….ffuuuccckkk. Left leg? Just my floating luck! Paralyzed?! Am I really fucking paralyzed right now? Shit I don’t even know if I can heal from this, let alone how long.

She cracked an eye open finding herself in a new room. This one more like a medical ward than her isolated one from before. Noticing no one she gingerly moved her head around to look at the other side of the room and found the girl she had threatened to stab, lying there on her back. Eyes closed.

She sighed at her own stupidity.

I can see it now. Blonde badass super spy gets paralyzed by terrorist grenade after trying to save the life of a different terrorist. She could imagine Raven or Octavia or even Indra cause hell, she’d cracked a few smiles around her. The whole bunch of them just cackling at her as she rot in her grave.

But that was the thing wasn’t it…death. She was never really ready to die, I mean is anyone ever? She had a chance, one obviously filled with pain but- if she could survive whatever lay ahead, she’d be damned if she never walked again she would find a way out of here. Or she would at the very least die trying.

Heavy footsteps just beyond the door. And I can’t even wiggle my freaking toes. Deep breaths, sounds like a big boy.

She didn’t expect it when it happened. He stopped at the girl beside him, not noticing she was awake…aware. He called her something….Maya maybe? It was what he did after that was so shocking. Because it never even occurred to her they would even try something like that on someone so defenseless.

When she felt his fingers trailing on her forearm she figured he was feeling for a pulse. But then he traveled past her hand and back up her sides. There was maybe gauze on the wound on her back and her bra was loosened but still intact. That didn’t stop him from groping her right breast.

Clarke immediately tensed up, frozen in shock as his hand dug between the bed and her chest and started to drift downwards.

Oh hell no.

Just as he caught the waistband of the unconscious girl's pants Clarke grasped his right hand with her injured left and had to jerk it upwards, fire in her eyes. Her arm shook with the shrapnel that had yet to be removed and as she used his surprise to bring the hand to her mouth. Then she bit down. She bit down hard, till she could taste blood and feel the hard stuff that could only be bone.

He screamed and hit her until she felt darkness take her over again.

 

\--

 

The next time she woke she was not alone, and she could barely feel the toes on her left foot wiggling.

At least two sets of breathing was heard beside her bed.

“Brain activity is spiking.”

Oh shit, it was Cinnawoman again.

“Clarke, are you awake?”

Old huh, maybe the geezer decided his son really didn’t know how to handle the Griff. Note to self, do not refer to self as the Griff.

“Come now Ms.Griffin, surely we can communicate civilly. I apologize personally for my son’s theatrics. That violence was not needed.”

She had to stop herself from scoffing but she still opened her eyes to look at him.

Dante Wallace, not too bad for a man his age. And that must be Dr.Tsing.

He smiled at her from his seat, “Ah! There you are. Look at those eyes Tsing.” He said turning almost excitedly to the bored woman in a white lab coat, “So like your father’s.”

She wasn’t able to hide her surprise fast enough

“We know all about you. Only because of the research we had to do in order to frame your father.”

Her eyes narrowed but Clarke remained silent.

“Also I must apologize for Lt. Tilling’s behavior he has been punished accordingly although not sure we could do much worse than losing the mobility of his hand. Some extensive and pointed nerve damage. Like you knew exactly where to bite, huh.”

I could always chop off his other hand for you.

Clarke remained silent, her glare never wavering. Seeing this Dante sighed and signaled Dr.Tsing and his guard by the door to leave, “I just need a moment with her, doubt she’ll be able to do too much with her spine as it is though…she certainly got Tilling good.”

He turned back to her in a coarse voice, “I however will not be underestimating you ever again.”

“Not speaking really won’t work in your favor. You can talk to me or you can talk to my boy. And there won’t be anything I can do to stop him once he starts.”

She raised a brow and he let out an exhausted breath, shoulders slumping, he rested his head back in the chair.

“He’s been trying to take over for a long time. And after you were able to cripple us and wipe what was my greatest victory well…didn’t take much convincing to overthrow me. But then he’s the one that wants to lead a sinking ship.”

He sat for a while there, contemplative. Clarke just glared. Maybe 20 minutes passed before he gave another tired sigh and stood.

“Very well then. You’ll have another surgery to remove all the shrapnel from the blast and after I suspect, the first face you’ll see will be Cage’s. He and Dr.Tsing are quite fascinated by your biology. I wish you luck Clarke for what it’s worth…The Ark and us so called Mountain Men, have been at war for a long time. Innocents will always get hurt, and good men and women die for what they believe in. There are no good and bad here, we’re all just trying to survive.”

He fiddled with the IV in her arm and she felt exhaustion take her over. At least this time she was still subconsciously aware.

 

\--

 

_“Will you remember me in an hour?”_

_She turned her head, looking toward the door of the room Lexa assigned her. It was 5 in the morning but her internal clock wouldn’t let her get back to sleep anyway. And only one person in The Ark would know that._

_“Yes.” she croaked a small smile on her lips. He grinned back_

_“Will you remember me in a day?”_

_She nodded as he took the first steps into her room_

_“Will you remember me in a week, a month? How ‘bout a year?”_

_She was grinning along with him, watching him place the two trays in his hands on her bedside table and bringing a chair by her desk nearer to the bed._

_“Yes, yes and yes.”_

_He nodded helping her prop against her pillows before sitting himself_

_“I think you won’t.”_

_“I bet I will.”_

_It was a game they played, in the comforts on their parent’s backyards under the stars. Away from prying eyes of watchful adults always stressed about something or the other. Especially when one of them was going away for a time because their parents had overseas missions. It never happened often for Clarke, mostly it was Wells when his mother was still alive. As Command Thelonious never left DC much but he was also very busy and hardly home. So when his wife went on missions that lasted longer than a week and was out of country, Wells would go with her._

_He handed Clarke a tray of scrambled eggs, corned beef and French toast, their old favorite._

_It wasn’t till she had taken a few bites that he continued their game_

_“Knock, knock.”_

_She rolled her eyes but continued on, “Who’s there?”_

_“See?” He overdramatized, throwing his hands in the air_

_He brought his voice to a whisper, “You’ve forgotten me already.”_

_They both became somber, struck by the amount of time that had truly past between them_

_“After everything with The Ark and your dad…I never thought I’d get to see you again.”_

_“Wells-“_

_“No please. Let me talk first I just- I need to say this.”_

_At her nod he continued, placing his tray away suddenly not hungry, “Your father was like a second dad to me. After what happened I…I wasn’t gonna join up. I couldn’t believe what my dad did. I…I was going to finish the Academy so I could get my Army certification and then I was going to go to college with a scholarship from the Army Reserves. Study whatever the hell sounded interesting enough. But then…they needed us Clarke. The Ark, people were being attacked, dying. Dad was a mess, your mother couldn’t keep it together and they called on the Legacies. My dad begged me I couldn’t say no. Not when innocent people were in danger.”_

_She paused, thinking before she answered him. He glanced at her hopefully…timidly_

_“I get that Wells I do. You are one of the kindest people I know, too kind for the childhood we had. I had 2 years to really let everything sink in. I still don’t trust The Ark or this Command, not by a long shot but she seems genuine and I know you…I still trust you Wells. But the forgiving part, that’s still a long ways off.”_

_A brilliant smile lit up his features, “I can live with that. I can more than live with that.”_

_He said moving to embrace her. Feeling the tension dissipate she grabbed the remote and tuned on the TV._

_“Tell me, when’s the last time you watched a cartoon.”_

_He rolled his eyes playfully but thought back regardless, “I dunno 2 years or so?”_

_She gasped horrified, “You my friend have missed a LOT. Oh we’re in luck We Bare Bears is on!”_

_“We bare…bears?” he asked incredulous_

_“Yes, it is an amazing show and I’m pretty sure Ice Bear is my spirit guide.”_

_He chuckled, “You said that about Cyborg from Teen Titans.”_

_She simply shrugged, “Well I have yet to hear you disagree.”_

\--

 

The torture was…brutal. As tortures are. It made it worse when they discovered exactly how ‘enhanced’ she was. Her father had only ever outfitted her with certain tech and shown her how to master it. Her grandfather however…one day with him was all she ever had but it was enough. Her parents thought he was senile and grandma had only stepped out for her bingo meeting. Her blood was already accepting of whatever he injected her with because it was also passed down from her father. They knew she could heal quicker, a scratch took an hour to scab over instead of a day and she was in a cast once for 3 weeks instead of 2 months. Still this was another level.

All hormone based, targeted at her central nervous system and pituitary gland. At the slightest sign of pain from her nerve endings a set of hormones directly linked to cell regeneration would kick in. A small cut would now heal in an hour and a broken arm…try a few days. So of course without the shrapnel her spine recovered fine but by then they had learnt to always keep her restrained.

Her torture started though the moment she woke from surgery. It started with the obvious, where was The Ark located? Who is Command? How did they make all their agents disappear after they took their files?

Meanwhile she filled her mind with her own questions like, what was the meaning of life? And how accurate was Interstellar really? Who killed Roger Rabbit? A stupid distraction tactic but the only one she had really bothered to master.

Her nails went first, then the top of her right finger, the one next to her thumb, ugh that made a disgusting noise. Thankfully by then he was mostly just fed up. They had stabbed her a few times, she blacked out when they almost broke her sternum.

After he gave up Dr.Tsing insisted on testing her, maybe even attempt to recreate her abilities. If they could use her for nothing else, she’d be a decent case study.

So one day, they broke each of her bones except her cranium. One by one. She remembered screaming, it didn’t sound human but, not much else.

Clarke had already broken bones before. She had broken many people’s bones before. The sound of a breaking nose and the feeling of it crumbling under her knuckles had used to be somewhat satisfying sensations, not that she liked hurting people just, those feelings…sensations, usually meant she would live longer, that she had won. But now she wasn't sure anymore. Not now that she had heard and felt her left arm break for who knows how many times in the past few days in every which way imaginable.

Giving up though, that couldn’t be an option. Not when these were the same bastards that were responsible for leading The Ark to kill her father. No they could break her as many times and in as many ways as they wanted because in the end…they were going to die. And she was going to take them with her. There may not be any good or bad guys, that really didn't matter. What mattered was they just happened to be the guys that helped get her father murdered. Also she couldn't just give up. If not for herself then for Lexa. She had gone through SO much. She had bottled it all inside and made walls where she could hide but Clarke. She couldn't help but see the cracks, the tears, the shards of herself that needed so badly to be pieced back together. No she wouldn't die here, not when Lexa was still out there. So she maintained her silence best she could beyond her screams. And she never broke eye contact. It unnerved people on more than one occasion.

This was supposedly their final test. Cage promised it would break her…Cage was right. From the first injection, something was wrong. She began to seize, sweat but it wore off moments later. Then he came in again and injected more of the vile red liquid.

Again and again and each time he would only ask one question

Day 12 - “What’s your name?”

Clarke Griffin

Day – 20 “What’s your name?”

Clarke…Griffin

Day 46 – “What is your name!”

“…I don’t know…”

He smiled, “Finally the little monster speaks. Ms.Tera, I believe she’s ready.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a fast update, for me anyway but I have a midterm this week so i figured I should do something before I end up too busy to do anything. Maybe don't expect a chapter till next weekend. Also let me know what you think, and I loved playing I spy with you guys. This one is a bit harder than the last.


	3. Something Beginning with M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry my love the tragedy unfolds. You've faced it all even if you never had much patience for their reassurances. What once was sanguine will be ripped in two but this...this is where the real story begins...  
> -Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late but hey! I made it extra long and a special scene for Saj and Mac  
> You all know italics are stuff form the past and normal text is present right? I mean i'm not sure if i clarified before but uh yeah.

 

_“Morning beautiful.”_

_To say the voice was like honey and describe in avid detail the ways it melted her would have been far too cheesy even for her thoughts._

_Lexa tensed for a second before melting back into the covers around her and the soft but firm body tangled into her side._

_‘Oh yeah.’ She thought, ‘I didn’t fall asleep alone last night.’ Or the night before that. This…this was something she could gladly get used to._

_She let out a content sigh feeling fingers trace her bare spine, up and down, twirling around the ink she knew resided there._

_“Morning sunshine.”_

_Clarke snorted from beside her_

_“Who says big bad Commander Woods can’t be sappy.”_

_Lexa huffed at her teasingly, “It's Commander Callaghan-Woods to you. Don’t ruin the moment, First Lieutenant Griffin.”_

_Clarke gave her a playful shove, “Cheater! You looked at my file.”_

_Lexa did nothing but raise a brow at the completely truthful accusation and burrowed deeper into the pillow under her but Clarke continued on._

_“We both know I could have easily made Lieutenant Colonel anyway if I stayed in the academy with the rest of you.”_

_“Maybe even Brigadier General.”_

_The blonde scoffed, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s shoulder, “Brigadier General Griffin does have a certain ring to it.”, she giggled_

_Lexa turned her head, meeting smiling blue eyes._

_“Hey.” The brunette placed her weight on her elbows, reaching up to leave a lingering kiss on the grinning lips_

_“Hi.”_

_Lexa found herself staring, at the dimple in her chin, the tiny freckles on her face, the slope of her nose, the crest in her ear, all the while Clarke propped herself up on an elbow, a curious yet soft expression on her face._

_“What?”_

_Lexa rolled onto her side, bringing her right arm to softly stroke the side of Clarke’s cheek. Blue eyes hiding for a moment under closed lids_

_“Nothing it’s just…I’m just…really happy.”_

_The blonde opened her eyes and the emotions Lexa found there almost made her gasp. It had been a long time since she’d seen so much unabashed and clear affection in someone’s gaze. She felt her heart flutter and briefly contemplated getting a checkup with Nyko._

_“I’m really happy too.”_

_\--_

She wasn’t sure what caused the memory to filter into her dreams. Not till she felt hot breath on her ear and realized why she felt so content with the weight that seemed to rest on her body. Her arms tightly wrapped around the fragile cargo. She wasn’t sure how, but the blonde had ended up curled on top of her, she had her arms firmly gripping at her back and her waist.

She was rolled on her back, holding Clarke in the safety of her arms. Safe…the girl was finally safe. And she would stay that way if Lexa had any say in it.

Lexa caught a few more minutes of blissfully uninterrupted sleep before the pressure on her bladder made itself known. It took very careful movements but she was able to maneuver the sleeping bundle off of her. It took a bit to extract the fingers that dug into her sleep tank top, but eventually she massaged the digits till they relaxed. It wasn’t the first time she had to pry Clarke’s hands from her shirt. She had been privy to the girl’s nightmares on 2 other occasions and both times the blonde had clung to her for hours after until they fell asleep. She didn’t recall Clarke ever physically climbing into her arms like tonight, but that seemed to be a testament to whatever hell they put her through. Thankfully her IV remained in. She needed as much nourishment and fluids as she could get.

 It was then she noted the strange pulling sensation in her bandaged arm and figured she may have come close to pulling her stitches.

She slipped into the adjoining bathroom and saw it was still rather early. She decided to stop over at Nyko’s to look at her arm before getting some breakfast for herself and Clarke. 

Quietly exiting her room she ambled down the lonely corridors, thinking. She had yet to get Clarke scanned, which required she go to Raven’s lab to find Raven and then she had to debrief Anya and perhaps the team. She had kind of just barged off the jet and placed Clarke on her bed before demanding medical attention seeing as the blonde was unconscious in her arms at the time.

She had just rounded the corner when she bumped into the infamous best friend she was just thinking about.

Raven eyed her smirking, “There a reason you got your ‘speak of the devil’ face on Command?”

Lexa grunted, “I was just thinking of coming to you about scanning Clarke after I stopped by Nyko’s.”

Raven raised her brows, “You don’t seem too bothered by the fact that Clarke may be in need of some medical attention.”

“I’m not going to Nyko for Clarke, Clarke is fine.”

Raven stepped back and looked at her friend, truly looked at her and noted the tiny spots of blood coming from her bandage, she grabbed her upper arm in a flash, concern lining her features.

“It’s nothing Raven, I just forgot to get looked at after yesterday’s excitement. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” She said shrugging

Raven kept looking at her until she brought her eyes to meet the engineer’s grudgingly, “Something’s wrong.”

Before Lexa could make with a sassy come back Raven beat her to it, “Yes, I mean besides the bleeding forearm…something isn’t right with her is it?”

Lexa tensed and Raven feared for a second that she would snap at her until all the fight left her body and she slumped on the wall behind her.

“I-I don’t know Rae. She’s-she’s not the same…what did they do to her?” She asked in a scared voice

Her breaths came faster and Raven watched her features morph into pure fury. Something Raven had hoped to never see again.

“It’s ok to not be ok Lexa.” She said positioning herself in front he woman’s face, “It’s ok to not be ok and that goes for both of you. We will get her whatever help she needs. It’s over, they can’t hurt her anymore.”

Lexa shook her head, pacing in shallow circles, “No you’re wrong. Cage Wallace is still alive. He wasn’t in their base. Somehow the weasel got away. This ends with his death.” She snarled out

Raven grabbed her arm to try and calm her and lead her towards Nyko’s room

“Fair enough, we’ve got the council's backing on that already but how about we get your hand checked out first ok? Clarke will kill me if she finds out I didn’t have you looking after yourself.”

Seeing her friend nod, albeit stiffly, she walked the few steps left to enter Nyko’s already open room.

While Nyko went about changing the bandages and examining the stitches Raven propped herself in the doorway.

“Aren’t you up kind of early Reyes?”

Raven shrugged, “I’m a worrier.”

Lexa kept still so Nyko could work to pull out a few torn stitches, “Since when?”

Raven didn’t say it, but the softening of her eyes spoke for her giving voice to her thoughts,

_‘Since I found you almost dying because of wounds you inflicted on yourself…’_

They were both silent after that. If Nyko noticed he wisely said nothing

 

\--

 

She felt…warm. It was a welcome change from the numbing coldness that was in her old room. They claimed it was to help her focus and she guessed she did retain quite a bit of what they told her so maybe it worked. Still warm was nice, she could get used to warm...for however long she could.

She vaguely noted that she had a kind of strangle hold on what seemed to be a pillow but it didn’t bother her immensely. Especially since the pillow felt like all kinds of comforting, it felt safe. That was a feeling she had missed dearly.

Her soothing sense of rest was interrupted by the opening of a door. Hushed voices were speaking and she felt herself tense before she could stop. The voices instantly quieted and she knew her arms were trembling but she couldn’t help it…she was way past the point of being scared. An irrational response but she found herself slowly losing control of her body.

A hand brushed her shoulder and she shot up eyes, wide and she was sure she was acting frantic but she just couldn’t help her sudden reaction. Her breaths coming out in gasps.

There was a large man in a white lab coat just by the door, Dr. Nyko, and a brunette with a metal brace on her leg wearing a bright red jacket. Agent Stark? No that was an alias no…Reyes, Agent Reyes. Raven Reyes.

“Clarke?”

She turned her head, still shaking and panting to find a hand outstretched towards her. Alexandria…no. She didn’t quite seem to like the way she spoke her full name last night.

“Lexa maybe we should-“

Lexa held up a finger to silence the other girl.

Lexa then, if she preferred.

“Clarke?” She called to her again, her breathing had slowed considerably and now Clarke felt her heart rate lower.

_‘Not having a heart attack sounds like a good idea right now.’_

“…Lexa?” She asked hesitantly. The green eyed beauty instantly relaxed and a small smile lit her features seeing Clarke lean her face into the outstretched hand.

Lexa brought her other hand around the blonde’s waist and lifter her into her lap where she curled under her chin, Clarke’s face pressed into Lexa’s neck, hiding from the world.

Lexa kept her there, shushing her and stroking her back until all the tension left her. Then she let her sit next to her on the bed, an arm still running up and down her lower back.

“Nyko just needs to take another look at you, make sure you aren’t reacting badly to the IV fluids and Raven needs to run a scan. Make sure the Maunon didn’t plant anything to track you or transmit signals.”

Clarke looked at her confused then, “If they did wouldn’t it already be too late?”

Reyes grinned at her then, “No worries there blondie. As soon as we realized Lexa’s team had extracted you we set a localize EMP and jammer onto you, made specifically for the occasion that we’d have to bring someone foreign into the base. Clarke looked around, finally noticing a metal bracelet on Lexa’s arm. She looked at her questioningly

“It has a surprisingly large radius and I didn’t want to risk putting it on you directly. I wasn’t sure how you’d react to it. It can feel a bit…constrictive.” She said gesturing to the device.

“Yup but still every bit ingenious.” Raven piped in, “Though I gotta say Griffin never took you for a cuddler.” Probably referring to both Clarke’s position in Lexa’s arms earlier and the fact that she was pretty sure it was Lexa’s pillow she had been curled up with when they entered.

Clarke felt herself blushing and looked down. She saw Lexa shoot Raven a glare out of the corner of her eye and gave her a thankful smile.

Lexa squeezed her waist and nodded at Nyko who wheeled in a tiny tray of instruments so he could replace the bag on Clarke’s IV and check her pulse and breathing.

He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder seeing her wariness before declaring everything to be fine and reminding them to get a good breakfast, making his departure.

“I’ll be back later with the blood sample.” He said nodding at Lexa before retiring.

Lexa felt Clarke tense next to her at the mention of the blood sample and looked at her worried but Clarke gave a subtle shake of her head, ‘Later’ her eyes said.

Raven left the room briefly and came back with Ryder wheeling a large machine that vaguely reminded Clarke of a metal, somehow teched out, futuristic shower.

Lexa went to pull her up and Clarke let her, a bit unstable on her feet. She hesitated by the opening to the shower, Raven giving her a thumbs up

“No worries you’ve already been through this once before.” She burrowed her eyebrows clearly confused and Raven face palmed, “Oh yeah you were unconscious then…Point being you survived just fine.” Raven assuaged, gesturing for her to step up.

Inside was a blank dark blue lining all around her. Once the opening closed in she had to force herself not to panic, Lexa’s reassuring voice was on the other side, “It’ll only take 3 minutes Clarke, then you’ll be done.”

The deep scanner was a much more efficient kind of x-ray device, minus those nasty radio waves that could be potentially harmful. Plus it covered the entirety of a person’s body. Clarke closed her eyes at Raven’s warning right when the blue screens surrounding her lit up with a bright green light. A tingling sensation vibrated by her ear and a place on her hip where Cage had placed her last injection before tying her to a chair and letting Lovejoy beat her to a bloody pulp.

She wasn’t sure why but she swore she heard gasps coming from outside the machine. The lights dimmed and someone knocked on it from outside before the door opened.

Raven’s smile was gone and her voice shook, “You’re good to go Griffin.”

She and Lexa shared a look before she left the room.

Clarke’s eyes instantly darted to Lexa’s curled fists, “…L-Lexa?”

Hearing the fear in her voice, Lexa snapped out of her thoughts and forces her hands open, pulling Clarke into a gentle hug.

She sunk into it, grateful for the protection she felt while in the brunette’s arms. A hand came under her chin lifting it, and tired blue met misty green just as a tear betrayed Lexa’s composure.

“Clarke…your x-ray showed your broken and bruised ribs, it showed a few parts of you seemed to one or two hairline fractures from still healing bones. Nyko’s assessment alluded that you were severely underfed and malnourished but Clarke that scan…”

“The deep scan is capable of scanning the body’s reactions to different trauma, internal scarring, disjointed bodily fluids, and platelet activity to trace where skin may have been broken, where blood may have clotted or blunt force trauma may have occurred. It can date back up to 3 months. You were gone for almost fifty days and they-“

She was cut off as the sobs tore from her throat, incoherent mumblings leaving her mouth. Clarke felt her pain acutely, like it was her own. She could never remember feeling so deeply for someone in her life and that was terrifying, but then…it wasn’t like she remembered much to begin with.

Once Lexa caught her breath she continued her explanation after moving them back to the bed.

“From the scan Clarke…it suggests that every bone in your body was broken. More than once and in-in different ways. Sometimes a clean snap in half, sometimes crushed, I don’t even know what they did to your spinal cord, there was just so much new cell regeneration and scar tissue it’s insane. There are puncture marks all over your neck and right hip. And your hearing aid they…they splintered it and left it in your ear. I-“

Lexa felt her emotions swell and ebb. She was still wondering with a silent admiration how on earth Clarke had survived. The pain alone would have sent enough people into traumatic arrest and killed them. The stress that kind of pain puts on one’s body was unimaginable. But Clarke had done it somehow…she had survived. And Lexa loved her all the more for it. Because there was no sense playing at being coy, she was in love with the woman before her. 

Clarke smiled sadly at her.

“Aren’t you in pain? I can get you medication or-or just something to-“

Clarke silenced her by pressing their lips together softly, her left hand came up to cradle Lexa’s neck. It ended far too soon, Clarke pulling away with a gasp and stuttering breaths

“I-I’m sorry I thought…I thought I was ok- but i…I’m not.” She saw the strands of Clarke unravel in front of her, as if the true extent to what she went through finally hit her.

Lexa went to embrace her but the girl only backed away on the bed, tears streaming down her face, “It’s going to be ok. I promise Clarke. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I WILL be here for you.”

The blonde curled in on herself, back against the head board, knees under her chin with her arms securely around them.

Seeing that she refused to move Lexa sighed and backed off. Clarke obviously needed her space. “I will be back soon but in the meantime, I will send someone to keep you company.”

Clarke nodded mumbling out “Sorry.” To Lexa’s fleeing back.

The brunette paused by the doorway, “You have nothing to apologize for Clarke. The blame lies on me and me alone, I should have believed you were strong enough to survive, I should have sent a team earlier to scout the base. I should-“

She jumped feeling arms encircles her waist and a head rest in the middle of her back, “This, will never be your fault. Do you understand me?”

Lexa circled her hands over the ones surrounding her and meekly nodded even as her throat burned and the guilt bore down on her.

 

_\--_

_“Command.”_

_“Clarke, you are more than free to call me by my name.”_

_The blonde smirked, playful, “Sure thing…Alexandria.”_

_Lexa gave her an unimpressed look before putting down the large tray in her arms on the bedside table._

_Clarke sat up looking intrigued, “So is this a thing now or..?”_

_Lea simply raised an eyebrow taking the chair by her desk and moving it in front of the bedside table._

_Realizing she wasn’t going to react much to her jibes Clarke picked up the identical plate nearest to her and almost moaned at the taste of…was this chicken curry? She hadn’t tasted so many spices since her grandpa died. I mean was he a bit crazy and immoral, hells yeah but he was an awesome cook. Partly due to his Caribbean heritage. The variety of spices and flavors was what she looked forward to every weekend despite the rare times when she would pass out and later wake up with a sore spot on her lower back._

_Seeing her eyes widen in recognition and happiness Lexa smirked, glad she could provide Clarke with at least this bit of familiarity despite her current position in a place she had come to loathe._

_Seeing her enthusiastic approach to eating Lexa raised a brow but remained silent. Clarke allowed her this smugness that seemed to radiate from her person. Even she had to admit it was well earned._

_Finally remembering her manners she lowered the plate from so near to her mouth and finished chewing what was in her mouth._

_“Err, thank you for this...Lexa.”_

_The brunette lowered her own plate and nodded in acknowledgement, “You are welcome Clarke. Would you like some more?” She asked inclining her head to the basically polished plate._

_Clarke looked down clearly embarrassed, “I probably shouldn’t.”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes and called for Ryder who brought in another helping for both of them._

_Clarke’s eyes shined with the unspoken gratefulness and affection she felt towards the other girl in that moment._

_She hesitated briefly but then decided to Griffin the hell up, “Hey can I show you something?”_

_“Of course.”_

_The blonde looked a bit unsure of herself then, “I uh, kinda need a laptop or something since there’s no TV in here.”_

_Lexa looked around at that and saw the girl was right. She made a note to fix that as soon as possible. It wouldn’t do for Clarke to be stuck in her without any form of entertainment. Maybe some books and DVDs would help as well. And she was fairly certain she could add a person to her Netflix account despite technology not really being her forte. She would ask Raven as a last resort. The genius loved to tease her the innate hatred she felt towards most technological devices. It was why she preferred to wield daggers and a dual edged sword instead of the standard issue pistol and new icer guns. It wasn’t that she didn’t recognize their usefulness simply that she never wanted to rely too closely on something that could easily fail her in the heat of battle._

_“Uh Lexa?”_

_“Right.” She said jumping out of her thoughts and reaching for the bag draped over her chair. She pulled out her sleek laptop and turned it on, handing it to Clarke who smiled at the pink dusting her cheeks._

_“Oh wait my pass…word.”_

_She looked incredulously at the unlocked device and glared in betrayal at it._

_“How did you-“_

_She was silenced by Clarke’s finger on her lips and an evil grin, “Ssshhhh just let it happen.”_

_Thoroughly dumbstruck by the blonde’s actions Lexa found herself unable to form sentences._

_“Um, i- but I…Raven said-“_

_“Something about it being unhackable right? Trust me she and Monty’s software have yet to encounter THE Clarke Griffin touch.”_

_Despite her snarky answer Clarke couldn’t help but blush at the look of admiration Lexa was sending her way. She had to clear her throat before finally getting down to the matter at hand._

_“So We Bare Bears or Steven Universe?” Furrowing her brow Lexa went to answer but was stopped by an upheld arm, “Note this answer will determine the state of our relationship going forward.”_

_Lexa looked skeptical, “Do you judge most of your relationships based on…whatever narratives those shows may inspire?”_

_The blonde gaped at her. Her mouth was legitimately hanging open, “Please tell me you’re not implying that you’ve never watched these shows.”_

_Lexa struggled to maintain her nonchalance at Clarke’s passionate reaction to the fact that she may or may not have watched the aforementioned cartoons, she shrugged, “They sound like they could be cartoons.”_

_The strangled whimper that escaped Clarke’s throat was enough to make Lexa chuckle with reckless abandon and Lexa was not one to giggle…let alone chuckle._

_From the other side of the door Ryder feared for his Command’s mental health and Clarke’s safety._

_When she finished wiping the tears from her eyes she found Clarke still staring at her questioningly, “You still have yet to confirm or deny having watched these masterful animated narratives Lexa.”_

_“To be frank, no. I have no idea what-“_

_She was startled when her tray was taken from her and the blonde grabbed her arm, propelling her onto the bed next to her. She was instantly met with a pained groan, from said blonde and took to inspecting her side where the icer was injected._

_“Clarke! You-“_

_“Yeah, yeah I know probably shouldn't have pulled you over here. We have more immediate matters to attend to!” She said while pressing the link to We Bare Bares and pressing play on episode 1_

_“Clarke your side-“_

_“Shhhh!”_

_“But Clarke I-“_

_“Sh!_

_The beginning notes of the theme song began playing from her machine when she reached over to pause it._

_“Hey!-“_

_“I can’t stay here too long Clarke, I do have actual Command like duties to attend to.”_

_She paused in shifting to the edge of the bed after seeing Clarke’s dejected face…she was thrust into a world without friends she could talk to unless you included her shaky reunion with Wells in the alleyway._

_And…was she making puppy eyes at her? How did she make them glisten?_

_…_

_“Fine! But only while I have no pressing concerns.”_

_“Yes! Ryder!”_

_The burly man rushed through the door, scanning for threats then turned to face the injured girl that called him._

_“Can you please make sure we aren’t disturbed unless it’s an urgent matter? We have at least 1 season to get through.”_

_“Wait I-“, Ryder looked between his Command and the asset._

_Lexa was about to protest because…really the entire season in one day was a bit much but then the blonde's lip began quivering in the beginning of her pout and she caved with a sigh._

_“As Clarke said Ryder. You may return to your post.”_

_He nodded, very pleased with the new-found attitude of his Command. She was not one for maintaining a rigorous food schedule and rarely gave herself time off from work to…well…have fun. He made up his mind to suggest that she make this a regular thing later in the day. It would do her a world of good._

_Back in the room Lexa had settled with her back against the headboard. She tensed feeling an arm wrap around her right one and feeling a head rest on her shoulder._

_“Try to chil au, Hedon. It’s just cuddling. We’re gonna be here for a while might as well get comfy.”_

_Clarke said, her eyes smiling in clear amusement at the older brunette. Lexa rolled her eyes but willed her body to relax and brought her right arm around the girl so she could comfortably take the weight off her side and curl into her._

_“Just out of curiosity…what was the right answer in regards to which show I wanted to watch?”_

_“Both obviously.”_

_Her voice was dripping in sarcasm when she replied, “Of course.”_

_\--_

“Knock, knock.”

Clarke raised her head from the pillow, a groggy feeling encapsulating her still recovering body.

“Oh shit.” The intruder said, lowering his voice a decibel, “Didn’t mean to wake you C.”

Wells Jaha, her childhood best friend, she quickly brought her palms to her eyes in an attempt to wake up faster, “No you’re good Wells, I’ve probably been sleeping way too long anyway,”

Looking at Lexa’s clock, Clarke could tell about an hour had passed since Lexa left her.

“Lexa said it would be cool of us to visit just you know, maybe not too much at once.”

Clarke nodded her assent, she could already feel the lingering exhaustion trying to edge its way back in.

“We uh, we were briefed on what your injuries were. Anya made a few assumptions on the kinds of things they may have done to you.”

He made his way over, at her nod, sitting at the very edge of the bed.

“Anya briefed you all?” He seemed to understand her confusion

“Yeah but uh, as interim Command obviously.”

Hmm Anya Callaghan interim Command…

“And what of the actual Command? Why did Anya have to step in?”

Mistaking her curiosity as worry he was quick to reassure her, “Nothing just…after the way your mission ended some time was needed for…recuperative purposes. I’m not too full on the details. Raven, Anya and Lexa weren’t very forthcoming but maybe Lexa will tell you.”

The following silence was…awkward to say the least. Not something the two friends were used to.

Wells rubbed the back of his neck with his right arm a trait he had picked up in uncomfortable situations. He was trying to decipher what about this was making it so…stifling. Sure they had issues but he thought they had rehashed them in the time Clarke spent preparing for her mission.

Of course! He thought, it isn’t always about you, you big selfish idiot…all those injuries there’s no telling what she’s went through…what she may still be going through.

Seeing her yawn he made his way up despite her weak protests, “No you rest. Lexa will kill me if she thinks you stayed up because of me. And Clarke?”

He waited until her eyes reached his own. He saw a darkness there even greater than when she had finally come back to him after two years and felt a shiver down his spine.

“You know you can come to me for anything right? Like…if you ever wanna talk about what happened, I am all ears.”

She gave him a tired smile, “I know Wells and really. I appreciate that.”

He gave her a sad grin before turning away, nodding to Ryder on his way down the hall. The experience inside Mount Weather had definitely changed her. But he'd be damned if he didn’t try to get his friend back.

 

_\--_

_Lexa had just left her final meeting for the day and made her way towards the gym. She wanted nothing more than to lie in the warm embrace of her bed but she had yet to check on Clarke’s training for the day, she had missed lunch for the first time in 4 weeks and honestly. She would be lying if she didn’t say she just wanted to see the blonde again._

_She found her in just a work out bra and sweat pants, a discarded and soaked tank top not too far away. It seemed she had just finished her strength training as she noted the used weighs around the room._

_Clarke already had a welcoming grin plastered on, probably hearing the brunette by the time she entered the hall that led to the training center with her aid._

_Even though they hadn’t known each other long Lexa felt it was safe to call Clarke her friend. They talked and lounged or just had fun almost every day and seemed to enjoy one another’s company._

_“Hey you.”_

_“Hi.” Lexa answered in way of greeting, it had become a common trait of theirs that she found neither here nor there._

_“I uh…” Lexa raised a brow at the nervous way Clarke played with the string on her sweat pants and looked towards the ground, “I got a bit worried when you didn’t make lunch. I mean I know obviously you have much more important things to care about and I’m just kind of one person in this huge organization which currently only has like a handful of active agents, but that just makes their jobs even more important and by extension-“_

_She cut off the blonde’s endearing rambling to give her a hug. She pulled away fairly quickly though because as ehem attractive, as a sweaty Clarke was she still was just that. Sweaty._

_“Thank you for the concern and…I missed you too, Clarke.”_

_The girl was blushing but the smile on her face grew even wider, “Did you have a lot of work today?”_

_The brunette felt her body deflate, finally being done with official works and nodded, “About 3 different meetings, one of them with the council, training session with Indra. Then a debrief from Raven, Jasper and Monty that lasted 3 hours and I only understood about 40% of it.”_

_She whined, it felt good to talk about this kind of stuff with someone that wasn’t her mentor or held her in some kind of god like standing. She was human too. And true she could probably vent to Raven If need be, but that usually required quite a bit of coaxing. With Clarke everything was just so free and well, natural._

_It felt right to detail the dilemmas and joys and pains of her daily work. And Clarke was more than happy to listen and give advice where she could._

_“Well that makes one of us, I try to know at least 70% of all things coming out of people’s mouths.”_

_“What was that? I don’t think your ego inflated enough just then.”_

_Clarke threw a punch which Lexa easily caught, the girl was obviously tired, having pushed herself in the recent work out. Plus it wasn’t like she was aiming to hurt her._

_Clarke scoffed but relented. She began unwrapping the bandage from her hands while Lexa helped her clean up the space._

_“…you and Raven seem pretty close.”_

_Lexa looked up from the weight rack but Clarke was determinedly not meeting her eyes, “We’ve known each other for a long time.”_

_“Oh?”_

_She raised her brow at the strange behavior but answered anyway, “Yeah…after Costia and Anya, Raven was. She was the next closest person I had.”_

_From the corner of her eye she saw the blonde nod to herself, “Hmm, you do spend quite a bit of time together.”_

_Lexa’s eyes raised in understanding, “…are you jealous?”_

_Clarke’s entire face lit beet red and Lexa knew she had her caught_

_“Wha- no I…That’s ridiculous!”_

_Lexa shook her head, “Oh really?” She finished moving the last set of weights onto their racks before she approached the blonde again_

_“It’s ok to be upset that I couldn’t make lunch. My presence and companionship is obviously a thing to be desired.”_

_A look almost like relief past the blonde’s face before she scoffed and nudged her, both making their way out of the training center._

_“Oh yeah I’m sssoooo jealous that you missed lunch.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in defiance, “Now who has the ego?”_

_Lexa increased her pace and turned so she was facing Clarke as they continued walking forward, “I walk like this 'cause I can back it up.”_

_Clarke’s mouth opened wide and she found herself giggling wildly, “You did not just quote Beyoncé to me.”_

_Lexa just shrugged, “The Queen Bey doesn’t lie Clarke.”_

_\--_

When she came back to her room, laptop in tow Clarke seemed to have gotten rested. She smiled brightly when the brunette entered the room and opened her arms for a hug which Lexa gladly gave.

She pulled away so she could press a kiss to the blonde curls and climb into bed beside her.

“You look well. Feeling any better? Need any more medication for the pain?”

Clarke shushed her concerns with a lingering kiss to her lips. Sucking Lexa’s top one in between her own briefly before pulling away.

“I’m fine, really.”

Sensing her sincerity she opened her laptop and resumed writing up her reports. Anya would still remain interim for a time. The team and Anya agreed she more than deserved the time off. After a few minutes of her typing beside the TV’s background noise she felt a pair of lips fall onto her cheek, then her jaw, trailing down to her neck. She leaned back giving the blonde more access even as she berated her.

“Clarke…”

“Hmm?”

A set of teeth grazed her collar bone causing her to suck in a startled gasp. She moved her arms to encircle the girl and gently pull her away.

“Clarke please. If you keep that up I won’t be able to stop.” She said gazing into hooded blue eyes filled with a desire she knew too well

“Good. I don’t want to stop.” Lexa groaned in frustration, keeping the blonde an arm’s length away.

“You’re injured.” She tried to reason with her,

“I obviously don’t care too much about that fact right now, I’m fine…really.” She accentuated by bringing a hand to cup Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa searched her eyes but already knew the answer before she voiced it, “You’re not gonna give this up are you?”

Clarke smirked wide and dangerous, “Nope…it’s been over a month…”

“Ok fine.” Clarke let out a joyful squeak which quickly turned to surprise when Lexa’s hands still kept her away,

“Nuh uh, you’re still injured.” She pushed the girl until she lay on her back and then hovered over her, supporting her weight on her elbows.

“If we do this then I’m doing the most activity.” She said languidly bringing their tongues together.

“And we do this. Under. My. Rules.” She said between a few short pecks. Moving her nose along Clarke’s she angled her head lower to suck on the sensitive skin below Clarke’s ear.

The resounding hum of approval was enough to urge her to move lower, sucking and tasting the skin as she went. Leaving her mark in various places along the blonde’s upper chest.

She moved back up and was quickly enraptured in a ravishing kiss.

Their shirts were the first and only things to go

Ryder rushed in through the door, and icer gun raised and a hard look on his face. Lexa growled, covering their bra clad chests with the blanket but Ryder didn’t falter

“Hedon! Naiko dig au-de Red en em jus! Beja, set raun ai.”

Lexa glared, frozen for a second as she tried to process his words. Beneath her Clarke looked confused and was making no moves to disprove her guard. She looked into her eyes. Did the girl not understand what was said?

Anya burst in then followed by Wells, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven and Fox.

It was then she registered their position…in her bed. And the fact that they were both still shirtless.

“He speaks true Lexa…she’s a reaper now. The blood tests prove it.”

Lexa heard the sharp intake of breath from Clarke after Raven mentioned her blood tests. She had been unconscious when Nyko had taken a sample.

Anya too had raised her gun but her team took a second to stare before reacting while Lexa tossed the discarded shirt to Clarke and put on her own. Her adopted mother’s face was set, lips pursed in a thin line. For a moment Lexa thought about a list on the worst possible ways to meet/be introduced as the girlfriend to said girlfriend’s parents. Getting caught half naked in bed while your guard and elite squad pointed potentially lethal tranqs at said girlfriend, ranked pretty high up there for the worst. Probably only contested by being caught in the act of getting frisky. 

Her thoughts were thrust sharply from the gutter when she felt cold steel pressed against the skin of her neck. That was when things stated falling into place. The reason why things felt so…wrong. Why Clarke was acting so hesitant and closed off. The glint of something dark in her eyes. She had attributed it to PTSD or something of the like but this. This was so much worse.

Although…the hand that held the knife was shaking, her breaths though not loud were verging on becoming gasps. Maybe her unique biology had helped her, maybe she wasn’t so affected that they couldn’t get her back. It worked for Lincoln but then, he was only shot with a dart and 4 sets of injections over 3 weeks. They barely saved him Clarke had been gone for more than 6 weeks

Her team complained, begging her to move away, give them a clear shot. But Lexa calmly turned her body in the bed before Clarke could protest and grabbed both her arms by her wrists. Lexa looked through the mask the blonde had brought up and could see…she was scared, terrified. But also determined.

She softened her gaze, loosened the grip on the blonde’s hands and brought her neck closer to the crude blade in Clarke’s hand drawing a bit of blood.

“What is your name?”

 

\--

 

Clarke gasped, tears pouring down her face. She shook her head, this wasn’t part of the mission. She had failed, been discovered and this…something was wrong. Something-this wasn’t- this…

She felt herself trembling, her head shaking even as Lexa dropped her hands, removing her makeshift blade and embraced her.

No

This was not her mission

With her right hand she pulled the other scrap piece of metal she had sharpened earlier from under the pillow behind her.

If captured before mission success, take as many of them with you.

She brought her right hand forward, aiming for the brunette’s side. She let out a sigh of relief when three shots were fired and blissful darkness surrounded her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigedasleng:  
> Chil au Hedon - Relax Command  
> Hedon! Naiko dig au-de Red en em jus! Beja, set raun ai - Command! Nyko found the Red in her blood. Please come to me/ get away from her


	4. Something Beginning With F

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a fact. Roses ARE red, and violets are a shade of blue but will I be able to remember you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah this chapter, it was actually pretty hard to write. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I had the song Hallelujah stuck in my head the past few days. Only one flashback this time but we get to see more of Cage and Tsing. Explain a bit more of exactly what Clarke thinks and what her mission is.

 

“We need to know why she was sent here.”

“We need to help her.”

“You aren’t thinking like Command you’re thinking with your heart and not your head. That is not what I taught you Lex-“

“Screw what you taught me!”

***smack***

“You need to calm down and think straight.”

“You _both_ need a time out.” Raven stepped in between the two headstrong women. Anya was for the most part calm, that was true but Lexa’s nostrils were flaring and the tick in her jaw was visible just below the red mark from where Anya’s hand had tried to slap some sense into her.

 “Fine let’s take a break.” The moment she turned her back Anya knew exactly where she was off to and made to grab her wrist

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Raven saw the hand in Anya’s grasp become a fist and saw her whole arm tense.

“Why ask a question you already know the answer to?”

“You are NOT going to see _her_.”

“She has a name Anya.”

“When are you going to get it Lexa?! She tried to stab you! That isn’t Clarke! Not anymore and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I know this is shitty and fucked up but I’m just trying to protect you from yourself because right now you’re too blinded to see this but the girl you loved is gone Lexa. She’s gone.”

It was a harsh two seconds, the emotions, the pain, the guilt, the complete loathing flitted across green irises before Lexa wrenched her hand away from Anya’s grip and stalked away. Thankfully not towards the blonde’s holding cell.

Raven brought a hand up to squeeze Anya’s shoulder, “It’s not fair. Why her? Of all people for fate to send a big ‘fuck you’ to why her?”

“I wish I knew An.” Raven looked hesitant but Anya nodded her head at her, “Go, she needs a friend more than me right now.”

Raven sighed and jogged down the corridor Lexa had taken, she didn’t have to go far until muffled sobs met her ears. She dropped down next to the crumpled form that was her best friend.

One arm rest on her shoulders and Raven fought her tears because as heartbreaking as this was she needed to be strong this time.

So she could let Lexa draw from her strength, because heaven knows she needed it.

 

\--

 

“Are you a fool Lovejoy? We said to rough her up, not to beat her to the extent that she’d pass out after the fake fight with the Ark Agents!”

A man in beige camo and body armor inclined his head, “I’m sorry sir I guess I got overzealous with what she did to my buddy’s arm.”

Cage sighed angrily bringing a hand to rub his temples, “I guess your loyalty to your fellows in understandable. You’re lucky you’re one of my most loyal men. Get back to work.”

“How do you think it went?” He swiveled in his chair facing the doctor who was still staring at the screens they had gotten of Clarke’s encountered with the Ark Team and later extraction. The woman standing next to her remained backing him even as he and Tsing looked at her expectantly.

“She’s as ready as she could be with the time we had for conditioning. As long as the Red did its job properly she should complete her mission easily enough.”

“You heard Ms.Tera, Dr.Tsing. What’s the probability of her regaining memories while she’s with them?”

“Well just look at the time it took us to even complete phase one. A normally 5 day procedure took over 40 days because of her unique physiology. I am however confident that the amount of doses we injected into her system was enough to stem the antibodies in her blood into recognition and assimilation instead of outright rejecting the chemical.”

“All that’s lovely to know but you didn’t answer my question.”

The woman inhaled deeply before turning to her notes, “There’s a 34% chance she’ll regain memories. Not a full recollection, the Red damaged too much of her frontal lobe for that, which was then healed over. If anything, with more time we could have erased her completely.”

“Or you could have lobotomized her. An empty useless husk, I can definitely see the value. Just be glad President Wallace listened to me and we stopped the treatments as soon as she cracked.”

“Look-“

“Ladies enough, both of you have points but I could not take that risk with the limited time we had. And if we continued with the treatments we may never have conditioned her new memories in time for when their extraction team arrived. That will be all, Tsing, Ms.Tera wait a bit.”

 

\--

 

“So what do we know about the Red?”

Monty gulped under Lexa and Anya’s harsh stares but pulled up his findings nonetheless.

“Well as you both know, thanks to Clarke’s successful infiltration,” he saw the flinches around the room but soldiered on, “not only did we delete all their data we also had a copy made and electronically sent to our decryption team. As for the Red. What we know of it is that it has been developed by Cage Wallace and Dr.Tsing apparently without the knowledge of his father Dante.”

He turned the button on his remote and a TV at the head of the conference table they were at turned on showing Tsing and Cage in an enclosed space with a bound man begging for freedom on a table.

**“Please I promise I’ll never question your orders again I-“**

Cage had stepped up and pressed a syringe full of red liquid straight into his neck. The man groaned, his eyes rolling back in his head before lightly convulsing.

**“Don’t worry, the first dose is always the worst.”**

He seemed to wait until the man came back to his senses before speaking

**“What is your name?”**

**“Major Luke Crenshaw, part of Mt.Weather security force beta, Sir.”**

Cage seemed to sigh in disappointment.

**“Tsing, keep him monitored, I won’t lose this one.”**

**“Of course.”**

The time stamp on the video changed to a week later. Only the man was in the room, this time he was snarling, restless. They could see blood coming from where his bindings rubbed against his wrists.

Cage walked in then and a weird humming noise seemed to come from a glowing ball in his hands

“Tone generator.” Raven muttered to Monty’s right

The man instantly tried to back away from the noise to no avail, he clearly seemed to be in pain. At the confused stares Monty paused the feed.

“During the 2nd injection Cage brought in the tone generator. They started…lashing him while the sound was playing. Then after they gave him the second injection of the Red, asked him again for his name which he barely grunted before leaving.”

“Conditioning.” Indra said from the other side of the table, “Yes that seems to be the case.”

The next video showed a time stamp of another week

**“What is YOUR NAME!”**

**“…I don’t know.”**

Cage nodded in success, **“Finally!”**

**“Time for phase two doctor.”**

Monty paused the video again. “As you can see, the Red is a chemical that can cause amnesia after a prolonged series of doses. This is in addition to its extremely addictive qualities. The sound generator as far as we can tell is a fail-safe should the subject regain some semblance of their memories and start questioning their roles. It makes them fall back in line.”

“So there is a chance…that someone could regain their memories?”

Lexa asked from the head of the table, her hands folded in front of her,

“We still don’t know the full extent of the experimentation done on Clarke. With a better look I could provide a more accurate number. It is a possible, but very rare occurrence. Generally there’s perhaps a 5.63% chance with the newest version of the Red.”

Seeing her inclined head he continued.

“Basically there are three parts, the tone generator as we’ve discussed, the amnesia and finally the addictive quality of it ensures the subject returns after finishing a successful mission.”

“From their files we can conclude that they did not discover the identity of our Command but they did have a few guesses, Anya and Thelonious included. It’s possible that that’s the reason Clarke was sent in. To find the identity of Command and any other information she could probably find on us. Beside the Agent profiles they didn’t have any other pertinent intel like base locations. As far as we can tell it’s only ever been used on those disobedient to Cage and on enemies after they’d gone through intensive interrogation and uh…torture.”

Lexa tried and failed to hold back her shudder as various videos of other factions of the Ark, the FloundonKru and Azgedakru were tortured on the screen in front of them before being subjected to the Red. Most of them dying from the injection.

“As you can see very few subjects actually survive the phase one process. Most times their bodies are too weak and when the chemical is first rejected, the induced seizures can be enough to kill them.”

When Monty finished his explanation the room was consumed in silence.

“And so the first order of business, do we tell the council?”

Two sets of No echoed in the room, if there was one thing Lexa and Anya could agree on in this situation it was that Abby didn’t need to see her daughter yet. Not like this anyway.

“Second order, will we be able to reverse the effects of this drug? Is there any way to combat the damage its already done to her?”

“The main reason we were able to save Agent Pine when the dart caught him in the neck was because it was only one dose. The cleansing process while violent was fairly straight forward. We have no idea how many doses Clarke was given but I’m pretty sure it’s already more than average because of her fast healing.”

Jasper spoke then from Monty’s other side, “Until they’ve finished decrypting the full formula that was used to create the Red there’s no way to tell. Once we have that we’ll work at making a counteractive cure…We’ll also have to fully recreate the drug though.”

Anya perked up at that, “And why would we have to do that?”

“Uhh just in case a cure doesn’t work or while we work on making it…in case the process of cleansing the chemical from her system is a violent one we may need to ween her off of it slowly. Less concentrated doses over spaced out amounts of time.”

“So we damage her brain cells more before we can get her off the stuff, fan-fucking-tastic.” Octavia whispered in Raven’s ear. The engineer could only agree with her assessment. Just more shit to pile on to the pre-existing truckload of shit.

“So then the third order of business.” Indra said clearing her throat, “What do we do with the gir- Clarke in the mean time?”

“We keep her locked up until the chemists can do what they must.”

Anya made to open her mouth in protest but snapped it shut and nodded, “Very well. For now, no one is allowed contact with Clarke aside from myself and Ryder to ensure she’s fed and hydrated-“

“An…”

“Meeting adjourned.” She waited for the room to empty before turning back to Lexa.

“You can’t keep me from her. I’m Command.”

“NO you were Command. The council has decided now that the Mountain has been dealt with and the agents anonymity has been restored that I will take over as interim again until they all come together to vote on the next Command.”

Lexa scoffed, “Is that right? They breed us to be child soldiers, bring us in when they can’t handle the dangers that come with this line of work then toss us aside with a pat on the back after doing all the hard work it took to take down each base one by one and finally infiltrate Mt.Weather.”

Lexa stood from her seat and made to walk to the door, “Maybe Clarke was right about the Ark. All this Organization does is take until it bleeds you dry.”

"She and I...we were more than lovers An. She was also my friend."

 

\--

 

Titanium walls, at least 4 feet thick, The bed, welded into the wall, as was the toilet…and the sink. Bare mattress, a pillow made with thread so frail that attempting to do much more besides resting on it might lead it to unwind and break. She was lucky she supposed. After attempting to kill one of their agents she easily could have been killed herself. Or at least restrained. It would have been what she expected after what the Director told her. In this room they let her have free reign.

Just her lovely self and a bit of charcoal the younger Agent Blake had slipped her with her breakfast just a few hours ago.

If the one called Ryder had seen the newly drawn scorpion on the wall to the right of the door he said nothing. It had only been 32 hours since she had attempted, faltered and absolutely failed her entire mission.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Now she was probably going to be tortured. Now she was probably going to die here in this nondescript grey cell where no one would miss her. No one would notice or care that a person named Clarke Elizabeth Griffin once existed and lived to avenge the wrongful death of her father. But then that was what she signed up for. This was always a high possibility. Especially with her missing memories. The Director had informed her of that much.

And why? All because of some girl. Some girl that felt all too comfortable. A girl that she had apparently fallen for in her previous time infiltrating the Ark. A girl that smelt of rain and freshly cut grass and paper and…lavender. A girl that had held her so tenderly and whispered reassurances to chase her demons away at night. A girl whose lips stole the breath from her and she would gladly give her all of it if not for that darn thing called breathing.

_Fuck!_

Ok think. What did she know? For a fact what did she know? The Director said you had joined the Mountain Men about 2 years ago after the death of your father. They sent you into the ‘field’ as a new college student hoping the Ark would approach you for help which they did. You became a double agent. During the mission where you infiltrated Mt.Weather you were supposed to report all the intel you had gathered to them but…something happened. A grenade? Your back was fucked up for a while. Head trauma too, caused your amnesia.

Cage and the Director were able to heal you back up, remind you of who you really were. Just in time too because the Arkers came back to save you. Hooray. Barely a day in you had managed to blow it. You told the Director of your fears, that there was no way you cold properly emulate you old personality and fake all the old ties you had formed within the group. The Director reassured you it would be fine. They’d make it seem like the Mountain Men tortured you so you could play off any weirdness as PTSD. Which, seemed to be a very real thing that you were suffering from. Your nights never restful. Broken bones, dangling limbs, blood was everywhere…

She did alright with Lexa at least. But then there was a part of her that hardly believed any of that was fake. It was too real. Too tangible, that thing between them.

She caught herself before the charcoal could finish tracing an outline of the brunette’s face.

Deciding maybe her best course of action would be NOT falling in love with the enemy any more than she seemed to already done, she made up her mind to rest and heal. If her subsequent dreams were filled with an enticing pair of green eyes and a swirling tattoos she could have only seen before the amnesia hit. With scarred and beautiful skin and flowing curls. With warmth and strong arms. Well she’d never admit it.

When she woke up later something was decidedly different. It was more than the newly refreshed feeling that had enveloped her. There was something in the air, something disturbing it. That was when she knew. She wasn’t alone. It didn’t take much to find the culprit, it was a bare space after all.

On the ground by the bed, on the cold floor, there she slept. Her brow was furrowed and before she could stop herself Clarke’s hand had reached out to smooth the lines on the brunette’s forehead. A hand shot up, grabbing her wrist and Clarke held her breath.

Green eyes opened and found astonished blue.

 

\--

 

_“Have you guys seen Lexa?” Raven smirked at Octavia over the cafeteria bench. “Why you two got a hot date roomie?” The younger girl added with a wink on the end, turning back to sip her orange juice as Bellamy placed his tray down next to her._

_“Yeah sure something like that.” Clarke dismissed absentmindedly resuming her search_

_Orange juice spewed and Bellamy has a split second to swipe his tray up from the table to try and shield himself. Emphasis on try. His shirt had a new orange stain, his food was now in a mess on the table and Octavia didn’t know whether to gape at her brother or Clarke’s retreating figure._

_The look on Bellamy’s face was priceless._

_Clarke checked everywhere, her favorite gym space, the science lab, the conference room and even with Nyko in medical. She had run into her mother but thankfully the woman was busy and seeing Clarke’s displeasure only spared her a passing glance on her way out._

_Anya had watched the girl’s intensive search for the past half hour and decided to grant her some mercy._

_“Agent Griffin.”_

_“Anya! I know it may seem like I’m wandering aimlessly but I finished my training, checked in with Indra and talked with Monty. I-”,  The blonde instantly straightened to attention._

_“She’s in her room.”_

_“Wha- I have no idea what- um-“_

_“She had a rough day yesterday so I forced her to relax. Lexa is in her room Agent Griffin.”_

_“…Thank you Anya.”_

_She was stopped by an arm on her shoulder, “Take her some grape juice and roast beef sub, it’s her favorite and she missed lunch.”_

_The blondes stared at each other, coming to a mutual understanding. Anya gave a nod before continuing on her way._

_She finally reached Lexa’s room, nodding at Ryder who stood at the entrance to the hallway and decided knocking was probably not a very Griffin thing to do. Quietly opening the door she smiled at the sight that greeted her._

_Lexa was curled around her pillow, hair billowing behind her on the beige sheets while ‘We Bare Bears’ showed on the TV forgotten. There was a slight furrow in her brow and her arms tightened around the pillow._

_Clarke leaned over the sleeping form and attempted to smooth out the wrinkles when a hand shot up to capture her wrist. By the time green eyes opened Clarke was already putting down the tray of food in her free hand and lying down behind Lexa to spoon her.  Both sighing in contentment_

_“Morning beautiful.” Lexa could hear the smile in Clarke’s voice before she chuckled, “Oh my god that was so cheesy wasn’t it? I mean it’s not even morning. I think i’d have to rate myself as like a 4 for that or maybe-“_

_Lexa rolled in her arms and pressed a lingering kiss to her still open lips, nipping her top lip playfully before pulling away._

_“Mmm, morning sunshine.”_

_\--_

Lexa was sure her face reflected the apprehension she felt, well to anyone that knew how to read her well enough. It was a mercy in itself that she was able to sneak past the men Anya had set as guards and get into Clarke’s room without waking the girl in the first place. She hadn’t planned to doze off but it was around 2 am when she snuck in and somehow her body had drifted from sitting to lying down.

Now she was sure it was at least 6 in the morning and the ache she felt in her heart at the familiar motion on her forehead was enough to tug her out of the semblance of sleep.

For a moment Clarke seemed to drift away into her head. When she finally refocused her gaze she sat there stunned. Looking at Lexa almost fearfully before seeming to come to a decision. The blonde slipped off the bed, crouching in front of Lexa before lying down next to her, shoulder to shoulder, legs barely grazing. Even after Lexa let go of her wrist she latched on to a tiny edge of Lexa’s underarmor shirt before dozing off into a peaceful sleep.

Lexa stayed very still, simply observing. Allowing Clarke to do as she wished. Hearing her breath even out she counted twenty minutes in her head knowing Ryder or one of the others would be in soon to give her breakfast. Slipping out proved to be a lot easier than getting in and she made a note to visit again when the guards changed just after lunch time.

What she was met with when she returned was something she had never imagined would happen. Anya had promised, given her word…but apparently that meant little. Entering the part of the base that housed the cell block, walking straight through during the guard change, she was only 4 steps away when she sensed something was wrong. And that was when the screaming started. A scream that could only come from one voice that she knew so well.

Throwing caution to the wind she burst through the door seeing Anya towering, Bellamy with an arm raised back, shock baton in hand. Clarke was kneeling on the ground, her arms held up above her head by ropes attacked to a bar that was suspended from the ceiling.

“Lincoln!”

She didn’t even register he was there until his arms came up to restrain her. Albeit hesitantly. She stared stunned at the burns the baton had already seared into the pale trembling back. Clarke was gasping in pain.

Anya sighed, but turned to Bellamy who looked more than concerned at the developing situation, “Again.”

 

\--

 

“How much were you able to impart into her exactly?”

The beautiful Creole woman with curly brown hair turned to him and smirked, “Just about everything I could recall. Alexandria and Anya’s relationship, her closeness with Wells. The names of the legacies who I assume was the team they sent in to destroy the base. A few other agents near her age that she’d most likely have been paired with and of course as many Council members as I could.”

“Good, good. And what did you tell her of us my dear?”

He started circling around her, but she remained unfazed at the show of dominance. She was happy to serve.

“Simply the truth, that she is a member of our organization and that she joined because the Ark was responsible for the brutal and wrongful death of her father with help from her mother. We sent her in as a double agent to find Command, any intel she could and those that killed her father were free game for her to dispose of as she saw fit. Depending on how long the mission took she could check in on the 10th and 20th of each month for a progress report and a dose of the Red.”

“Very well done my dear. Where would we be without you?”

“I’m sure you would have managed somehow Sir. I don’t know what I would have done had you not rescued me.”

“Heh.” He chuckled bringing a hand up to cradle her cheek, “Yes well that’s all behind us. Back to work then?”

 

\--

 

“STOP THIS!”

Lexa was being held back by Lincoln as Bellamy once again was ordered to lash Clarke with a shot baton.

“AAaa **aagggggh** hhhh!” Her screams reverberated in the enclosed space

“I told you not to come here Lexa. I’m sorry, but we need to know what she knows.”

She closed her eyes not able to meet the look on her ward’s face and turned to Bellamy’s grim expression instead

She sighed and paced before crouching down at Clarke’s eye level.

“Who sent you? Was it Cage? What is your mission? Who is the mission Director?...What. Is. Your. Mission?”

Clarke raised her head so her eyes could meet the supposed Command, leader of the Ark. Her breathing was heavy and uneven, hair matted to her forehead with sweat.

Anya held back a shudder at the girl’s resistance, she may well stay silent until the lashing killed her.

She shook her head and signaled with a finger to Bellamy. He looked feebly between Anya and Lexa, “Maybe we should let her rest, try again tomor-“

“Again Agent. Either you do it or I will.” Bellamy hardened his face but nodded and resumed

One

Two

Three

“Ughhh.”

Four

“Aahh ah.”

Five

“Ah!"

Six

“AA **AAhhh** hhhh!”

“EM PLENI!”

Finally coming out of her frozen state Lexa elbowed Lincoln harshly, stepping on his foot and flipping him over her shoulder. Bellamy stopped with his arm raised and Anya sighed in frustration but said nothing. Simply watched Lexa’s clenched fists warily as she passed until she stopped in front of Clarke and kneeled down.

Clarke fought to keep her head up the moment she heard the familiar voice and locked eyes with her.

Lexa brought her left arm up to her cheek and wiped away the tears that had leaked from her eyes.

The blonde sighed in relief and unconsciously nuzzled into the gentle touch.

“Clarke please.” Lexa pleaded, she begged her with her eyes to listen, “Just answer one question and I’ll get them to stop. I swear it. Just speak true.”

“Who is your mission Director? Is it Cage?”

Clarke shook her head, wincing at the electricity still coursing through her body.

“No? Dante?”

“N-n. Nooo.” She managed to groan out

“I-It w-w-was. C-C-c….”

“Who Clarke? If not Cage and Dante then who? Emerson?”

“Nooo. N-no. C-Costia. T-the the m-mi-mission Director-r. Is C-Costia.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...be honest, who saw that coming? Someone kind of guessed it a bit in chapter one when they asked if Costia's consciousness was placed in Clarke. In a way Costia's childhood memories of the Ark and the Legacies were used to try and help Clarke deceive them.


	5. Something Beginning With M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you try your best, but you don't succeed  
> When you get what you want, but not what you need  
> When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
> Stuck in reverse  
> \- Coldplay, Fix You
> 
> Sorry for the pain...

 

“Ok, ok that’s good Clarke. We can stop now. I’ll make them stop.”

The body in front of her was trembling, she occasionally twitched from the electricity still running through her system. Lexa leaned forward and gently wrapped her arms around Clarke’s torso.

“Lexa we can’t-“

“Bellamy breik em au, nau.”   _Free her. Now._

“Sha Leksa.”

He moved to release the rope around her right hand and Lexa immediately felt the girl’s weight sag against her body.

“Did you even hear what she said Lexa? Costia couldn’t have possibly-“

“I heard exactly what she said Anya…I believe her.”

Once Clarke’s hands were freed she released a gasp, unable to hold up her own weight from the pain in her lower back she rested in Lexa’s arms. She whimpered, feeling Lexa move but thankfully she only lifted her off her feet and carried her the short distance to the bed in her cell.

She felt the breath by her ear as Lexa attempted to sooth her, stroking her hair and whispering reassurances to her.

“Don’t worry, it’s over I promise.”

It was enough to lull her into an exhausted and pain filled slumber. Lexa stood from her crouched position at the head of Clarke’s bed and turned her full glare onto the others in the room. Bellamy and Lincoln already had their heads lowered in guilt while Anya returned her glower head on.

“Lincoln, go get Nyko.” She bit out from her clenched jaw

She and Anya locked gazes before the older woman gestured to Bellamy, “You may go. As for you…”

Lexa quickly approached, stopping only a foot in front of her adopted mother and old mentor.

“Lexa, we need whatever information she has. She may know where we can find Cage and his lackeys and finally end this. It’s for the good of our people and if it was anyone else you would be the one leading the interrogation.”

“You’re right, if it was anyone else I wouldn’t hesitate. But it isn’t. It’s _Clarke_. She doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. If it wasn’t for the Ark this would have never happened to her. We need-“

“ _We_ don’t need anything. You aren’t Command anymore, simply the commander of the elite team. What _I_ need is to finish this interrogation without disruptions. Do you understand Commander Callaghan-Woods?”

They challenged one another through their stares, Anya’s spine was stiff straight. She knew this would forever change the relationship she had with her remaining daughter-figure but they had no choice. If Cage was planning anything and Clarke knew, then she had to do everything in her power to extract that information, by any means necessary. Even if that meant she lost Lexa’s trust forever. She didn’t realize the severe lengths Lexa seemed to be willing to go to in order to protect the blonde asset.

She didn’t realize how deeply she’d fallen, until now.

“No.”

“Pardon me?”

“I said no. We abandoned her once before when we left her for dead in Mt. Weather. I REFUSE to do this to her…especially when your violent methods yield no results whilst mine showed instantaneous answers.”

Anya gawked at the young woman in front of her, “You can’t be serious. Are you? Lexa…”

She reached out to rest a hand on her shoulder but thought better of it, “She just told us her mission Director was Costia.”

“Who’s to say it isn’t? What real proof do we have that Costia is dead?”

“But-“

“I was there Anya, I was the one who found her blood on our carpets and her torn shirt in the mail. Me! That doesn’t mean she’s dead. We were wrong about Clarke, we could be wrong about her.”

“Alexan-“

“No, now you listen. You are not going to harm Clarke in any way ever again. Whether physically or mentally-“

“Lexa-“

“If you do I will tell the council.”

Now that got Anya’s attention, her eyes widened in shock, “I will tell the council, I will tell Abigail Griffin that not only was Clarke tortured under your orders but I will also tell them about Tris.”

Hearing the name Anya bristled, “Tris stays out of this...”

“And Clarke remains unharmed…”

She put her hands up in exasperation, “After everything I’ve done for you! For Costia! We’ve already given up so much for this organization, to keep our people safe.”

“And I refuse to give up Clarke.”

Anya paused, searching those green eyes, the ones that used to wail in the quiet hours of the night for her mother and father. She saw the same hands that had stood for hours scrubbing Costia’s blood from between her fingernails. She saw the Alexandria of then and the Lexa of now and she made a decision.

“…If you can guarantee me, honest answers from her, then she’ll remain unharmed.”

Lexa nodded, “I’ll get your answers. You can leave now.”

Seeing the girl turn her back she sighed and made for the doorway but paused just before leaving, “I never wanted this for you. You weren’t supposed to know about this.”

She heard Lexa scoff, “Right, you were just going to torture her, then hide her wounds or let her heal it all away for when I was finally allowed to see her. Even better.”

Anya shook her head, the bitterness in her daughter's tone not lost on her, leaving the room she met Lincoln and Jackson on the way in. She saw his worried eyes but shook her head, later. And continued on to her office praying that Lexa could truly get them the intel they needed. For her own sake as much as Clarke’s.

 

\--

 

Lexa let out a shuddering breath. As if this whole situation wasn’t fucked up enough she threatened Anya with revealing the truth about her biological daughter to the organization and Costia was apparently responsible for reprograming Clarke whilst she was under the conditioning effects of the Red. Costia had instructed her on her mission. With the amnesia from the Red the only way Clarke could have known anything about them, their names for example, was if someone told her. She knew Lexa and the entire team. The legacies at least were not a part of the files the mountain men stole.

And that could only mean one thing.

Costia told her about them. Costia told her their names…Costia could not have been under the control of the Red or she wouldn’t have remembered anything about her time with Anya and Lexa. She wouldn’t have remembered her life in the Ark as a civilian, as the adopted child of one of their top agents.

That meant that Costia was willingly working with Cage, she had been for years, and that thought was enough to make Lexa sick to her stomach.

Hearing the set of two approaching footsteps she composed herself and leaned over Clarke’s exposed back. Hovering her hand just above the precarious burn marks.

She had to hold back the tears she felt well up in her eyes. How could this have happened? How could she let this happen?

Lincoln stopped in the doorway, not allowing Jackson to see or granting him entry until Lexa’s allowance.

“Lexa, Nyko and his team were busy patching up some other agents but I brought Jackson.”

She registered his words and withheld a groan. At least she could be sure of Nyko’s secrecy but with her role of Command stripped from her there was no guarantee Jackson wouldn’t tell Abby about her daughter the moment he saw her.

“Jackson, you have to swear not to tell anyone what you’re about to see. Not even Dr.Griffin. If you do I’ll be forced to kill you and I would really hate to do that.”

Hearing the sharp intake of breath she continued, “I need your verbal confirmation Jackson, if not you can leave the medical supplies here and we’ll make do till Nyko is free.”

“I-I uh yes. No um, I won’t talk to anyone about this. Doctor patient confidentiality and all. You can trust me Command- I mean ah Agent Woods.”

“I thought I could trust a lot of people once.” She was sure she didn’t need to look back to imagine the grimace on Lincoln’s face. She gestured with her hand to grant them entrance.

Jackson gasped when he realized who he was treating and what had happened but a glare from both Lincoln and Lexa kept his mouth shut as he worked. First, cutting off the bottom half of her shirt so it wouldn’t accidentally touch the cuts, then wiping the bleeding cuts to keep them clean before applying the cooling salve to help soothe the burnt skin. The heavy uneven breaths alerted Lexa that Clarke had awoken.

The brunette kneeled down, taking a hold of Clarke’s hard grip on the metal bed frame and squeezed the hand in between hers. Her eyes were closed tightly so she took her free hand and carefully stroked her cheek, hoping to give the blonde something other than the pain to focus on.

Jackson finally finished, leaving her back unbandaged, “The skin needs to breath, the salve needs to be applied every 5 hours, I can do it or Nyko or…”

Lexa held out her hand for the jar containing the salve. “In two days we should be able to wrap it with gauze.”

At her silence he trekked out of the room. She could only hope he’d stand by his promise.

“You can leave Lincoln.”

From the corner of her sight she could see him hesitate slightly before lowering his head and silently walking out the room.

She turned her attention back to now open sparkling eyes. “Th-thank you.” She croaked. Your heart bled to see her in such a fragile and weakened state.

“You should not be thanking me. This shouldn’t have happened. When you had your mission I should have gone with you, I should have gone and stayed and fought beside you.”

Clarke looked to her in wonderment, at the raw guilt that she could see eating up the girl in front of her, “T-they told me you were m-my enemy but…I don’t-I don’t know what to th-think I, I don’t…”

“That’s good, that’s good. They messed around with your head Clarke but I know. There’s still parts of you in there…When we…kissed...”

They both paused to blush there, “What we feel for each other is still there. It’s still real and I know you feel it too.”

Clarke’s body shook as she valiantly tried to hold in her sobs but the tears were rolling down her face.  Her movements, however slight, became frantic.

“I-I don’t. I can’t- I can’t remember us. Y-you.”

 

_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can't replace_

_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?_

“Ssssshhhh. Ssshhhhh.”

She moved forward even as the tears leaked out of her own eyes, bringing their foreheads together, forcing their eyes to meet, “I’m not giving up on you. I’m going to be right here, and I will do everything in my power to help you. Even if you never remember, I’m going to be here for you. I swear it.”

They stayed there, eyes locked. Lost in one another’s gaze until the tears finally dried and all Clarke was left to do was wonder. Wonder about this person in front of her who was so much more than what they led her to believe. They all were.

Alexandria Woods.

That’s what Costia had called her. She was supposed to be stoic, closed off. Even in her younger years the girl was never one to get too emotional aside from the occasional nightmare. You deduced there was a time Costia and Lexa were close but that was never directly said and so you never questioned it.

She sniffed, “They did this to me? They broke me?” her conditioning was fighting her even as the words left her mouth, the tiny echoing of the painful sound screeching in her ears. She thought her insides were bleeding but she had to know the truth.

Lexa looked at her worriedly when she groaned, “You know deep down, you know they lied to you.”

Clarke moaned in pain, carefully rolling to the side and clutching her hands as she rejected her conditioning, “I’m not a member of the Mountain Men.” She gasped, feeling lights explode behind her closed eye lids.

“Clarke!” Lexa jumped up, cradling her head

“I’m a member of the Ark?” she gasped out going into the fetal position to try and stop her body from attempting to kill itself.

“Yes, yes you’re First Lieutenant Clarke Griffin of the Ark Organization.” You vaguely recognize the wavering in Lexa’s voice as her crying but figured that the fact that she hadn’t called upon the doctor again meant that she understood this had to happen.

“First Lieutenant?” You grunted out despite the sharp banging in your head and the way your stomach rolled, threatening to spill it’s meager content.

“I think I prefer Brigadier General.” She forced a laugh past her lips for Lexa’s sake but it came out in more of a strangled cry.

You took one last breath before your old friend darkness decided to take its place and settled over your eyes. Her lips on your cheek was the last thing you felt before you collapsed.

 

\--

 

Raven came in while you were in the middle of your quiet panic session wondering if trying to remind Clarke about her old life might just end up killing her. She reassured you like the best friend she was.

“I mean she was just beaten for information, I can’t imagine she was really up to fighting whatever kind of fail safes they put in her conditioning. They went so far as to make their subjects permanently feel pain from a certain sound frequency. There’s no telling what recalling her memories could do but she’s strong Lexi, stronger than all of us. She’ll get through this. You both will.”

You had simply sniffed back your tears and held your head in your hands in defeat.

“We deserve better than this.”

“You really do…you love her don’t you?”

You had to think on that, because you knew what you felt was far beyond anything words could describe but maybe you could try for Raven, “I am not art. All I am is hardened skin and a broken, tattered heart but…when she looks at me, I suddenly feel like a master piece.”

Raven had gone and come back with enough dinner for three. You could hardly believe 4 hours had passed. Clarke had woken up just a few moments prior claiming to be fine, but you could tell she was in pain.

After eating you reapplied the salve and tried again.

“Clarke Elizabeth Griffin, named after your mother’s father and your father’s mother. You told me they never felt you were much of an Elizabeth so they decided for an unconventional method.”

This time she was sitting up, albeit hunched over. But she claimed it helped lessen the pressure in her head. Raven had stayed too just in case it got to be too much.

You should have known it would be too much.

“I don’t know where I was. I just remember an underground system, a lead tunnel system so your scanners couldn’t detect it. From one base to the next. Costia was the mission Director, Lovejoy was my handler. Cage our leader. Their leader.”

You watched her recoil into herself. A low groan escaped. When she lifted her head again a small trail of blood was escaping from her nose.

“We should stop Clarke-“

“No. No I have to do this. I need to remember. I _need_ to know who I am.”

You were too worried to speak so Raven did for you, “What did Costia tell you?”

“She told me about most of you. About Anya and Lexa. She called you Alexandria. Raven I…she mentioned agent Reyes. Up and coming legacy genius. Monty, and Jasper. Octavia and her brother. Not too much on Lincoln or Miller or even Murphy, Fox, Harper and Monroe.”

“Makes sense, I never used to hang around them too much, Lincoln was already an agent by the time we were on our final years at the Academy, same as Miller. Murphy and Monroe weren’t legacies so much as promising cadets from the army recruiters we sent in. “

Clarke nodded at Raven’s kind smile, “They told me I joined because you had brainwashed my mother into killing my father. That he was killed late one night, by the very men he called his friends, his family. That I was there. I got shot. That’s what they said the tiny scar on my stomach was. They said I joined them to get my revenge.”

“They thought Anya was Command. I guess Interim is close enough though. Said I had been infiltrating you all for months but then, in a mission to destroy their main base, Mt.Weather, I had been injured so badly you had to leave me behind. Said you sacrificed me for the sake of the mission but could be back to completely obliterate the base. They had Lovejoy beat me up a few minutes after your ship appeared on radar so that when you all came back you’d find me. Looking like I was tortured.”

“The thing of it is I have these dreams where, they take my bones and they just- Tsing just crushes them and beats me and-and I was almost- I was…”

Lexa can feel herself shaking in anger, she can’t bring herself to ask Clarke to finish what she was saying.

“What did they do to you Clarke? They almost what?”

“I dreamt they almost raped me and another girl while my spine was still broken, so I couldn’t move but…I got them. They’ll never use that hand again.”

Clarke had curled into herself, shaking with pain and Raven moved to wrap an arm around her. Neither of them really noticed when you jumped out of your chair until you slammed your fist into the metal wall. Probably agitating your old injuries on your wrist but you didn’t care.

That was when she murmured, “You know, I don’t really feel so good.” And proceeded to collapse again.

Except this time was different.

This time she slipped into a coma and wouldn’t wake up.

 

\--

 

“You two did what!?”

Bellamy and Lincoln backed away from the younger girl’s wrath, even though Miller was valiantly keeping her in place.

Monty tried to be the voice of reason, “She’s the interim Command O. They didn’t really have much choice. You know what happens when you go against a direct order.”

“I don’t fucking care! They can punish me to freaking MARS and back I would never let them torture her like that!”

“Octavia, it’s safe to say they’re feeling guilty enough as it is.” Harper pointed out. The two were truly sorry at what they had done and allowed to happen. But Octavia couldn't understand they were the older generation, their rules were harsher. The first thing their class of agents were taught was to always obey their Command for the sake of their people and they would, even to the death.

Octavia pushed away from Miller with a huff and went to dangle her feet in the pool water. They were meeting in the private training area for their elite squad so as to not be overheard.

“I just can’t believe this is really happening you know? Like they really had her and tortured her and broke her all this time when we thought she was dead.”

Monroe shook her head, hands on her hips as she paced behind the others.

“We didn’t even know her that long but…she was one of us. She joined our family and now…I don’t even know.”

Fox hung her head, leaning on the wall. She watched Harper hunker down by Octavia and wrap the girl in a hug. Something she was sure Bellamy and Lincoln desperately wanted to do.

Miller went and grabbed each of them by their shoulders, trying to alieve their guilt and shame.

“She was more than just family. She was the strongest one of us all.”

“Enough of this past tense crap guys! She still fucking IS one of us! She’s STILL the strongest of us and there’s no way in hell the Mountain Men took that away from her!”

Octavia jumped up, enrage, “What they did is unforgivable and I REFUSE to believe she’s broken! I refuse it!”

“You didn’t see her O.” Bellamy spoke up, “She didn’t recognize me and Lincoln when Anya asked her to name us. She called him Miller. Raven said she almost stabbed Lexa before she was iced.”

“But then, she also responded when Lexa had Anya stop the torture. She spoke to Lexa despite her earlier silence.” Lincoln said from where he sat beside Fox on the wall.

“Oh that’s fucking rich, so she was tortured unnecessarily. I’m so fucking done with Anya as acting Command. If that council knows anything they’ll give the position back to Lexa. She has more than earned it and deserves to remain there.” Murphy piped in

“It could be argued she deserves more than that.” Miller asserted, stopping Jasper with his pacing as all eyes turned, “What she deserves is retirement. Hell…we all do. Child soldiers, trained by the government. We fought, took the risks the older agents couldn’t while they hid in safety. We were out there. Lexa was leading us even in the field. Monroe, Fox how many times have we nearly died? Lincoln? Bell? How many bullets has Lexa taken that were meant for us? Octavia? Harper? How many times have Lexa’s reminders to remain level headed during a mission saved your skins? Monty, Jasper, how many hours of training did Lexa personally put in with you both to ensure despite your genius that you could handle yourselves in a potential combat situation?”

Jasper nodded vehemently agreeing with every word from Miller's mouth, “She is the Command that took down the Maunon and we are the team that she lead to do it. We all deserve a fucking break.”

They were all quiet, contemplating the young men's words. Thinking back on their pretty fucked up childhoods. Cracking codes, neutralizing acids, sparring with weapons as the other kids their ages played tag and hide n seek, and colored in books.

Lincoln was 17 when he first killed a man. Octavia and Bellamy were 14 and 16 respectively, an outing with their parents led to their murder. That was when the older sibling vowed to protect her but, she had already been exposed to this life and refused to choose another path.

How old was Clarke when she killed a man from the very agency her parents were grooming her to enter. When Uncle Kane and Uncle Clair and their team entered her house to end her father’s life under Uncle Theo’s orders.

“Screw this.” Octavia stalked away, but Bellamy stopped her

“Where are you going?”

“Where all of us should be going, to see Clarke.”

Bellamy shook his head, “Believe me I’d love nothing more than to go down there and see her but Lexa is with her right now. And Raven headed down not too long ago. Give them some space O, those two grew close. You can tell.”

Octavia nodded, she knew what he meant, they all did. You’d have to be blind not to see that something was brewing between their leader and the newest member of the family.

 

-2 days later-

 

Somehow you and Raven have been successful at keeping Clarke’s new state of ‘not being awake’ from Anya. Giving her information of the lead lined underground tunnels seems to have kept her more than busy working on how to reconfigure their scanners and willing to accept that you were right. Torture was not needed.

The only problem was that now Clarke just wouldn’t wake up. You had passed the point of panic long ago and stumbled headlong into desperation.  Last night you pleaded with Clarke to wake up until the early hours of the morning.

“-and I asked if you really did hate her and you said no. You said as much as you wanted to you couldn’t because she was your mother and a part of you would always love her. Then we watched that stupid show with the three bears and you kept swearing ice bear was your spirit animal. “

You knew you had a goofy grin on your face, just recounting the happy moments. Not allowing yourself to dwell on the fact that Clarke may never wake up.

Watching the IV drip Nyko had set up had turned depressing so you began recounting everything you could remember about Clarke Griffin in an attempt to help her subconsciously remember herself. Well at least, as much of herself as she had shared with you.

“You absolutely hated the sardines we had for lunch once. You actually spit them out. A few spit balls landed on Octavia who naturally reacted in Octavia fashion, shrieking and running around trying to locate the nearest bathroom. It wasn’t really that bad. Honestly I think she just wanted to make us all laugh, it had been a rough week.”

“You told me your favorite color was green. But not a normal green, like a green mixed with greys and hazel maybe like flecks of gold and I never understood. Not until I really looked into a mirror while trying to stitch a cut on my eyebrow.”

Your rambling only stopped when you thought you saw her finger twitch in the corner of your eye but you quickly disregarded it.

That was until you noticed her breathing became less deep and more regular and there was activity under her closed lids.

You dared to hope

“Clarke?”

Standing up, you hovered over her bedside. Her eyes barely cracked open before she gave you a half-lidded grin. She had to clear her throat before speaking.

“…morning beautiful.”

 

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember how i said there may be less pain? Can we just skip a chapter for that promise because i'm sorry i really did try but all these sad songs got in my head, ok. There's a Coldplay song, Fix You in this that's just...that happened. I quoted a gifset from the lovely Hedaswarrior on tumblr. Next chapter i swear fluff. Like honestly i cant make the next one too angsty if i tried. Good luck on the i spy btw.


	6. Something Beginning with S

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning beautiful...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years!  
> So this is admittedly terribly late. Sorry guys, i'm not stopping this fic I swear. I don't intend to ever abandon any of my fics I just lost inspiration for this for a bit, trying to decide where it was going and wrote other things to help get that spark back. Sorry again for the wait though.

 

 

“…morning beautiful.” Her voice wheezed from days without use.

The words spoken so deliberately, so filled with emotion. She couldn’t have imagined it. Lexa blinked, once, twice. Her knees began to buckle even as trembling fingers tentatively stroked the blonde’s grinning cheeks.

Lexa kneeled down, bringing herself at eye level to Clarke. Her astonished face was enough to make Clarke laugh which quickly broke off into tears.

Lexa wiped feebly at the watery onslaught, chuckling with her, “Why are you crying?”

Clarke shook her head giving a teary smile, “I dunno, why are you?”

They both laughed harder at that, “I don’t know either.”

Lexa couldn’t resist trailing her gaze downwards to full lips turned up in a smile. Before she could even think to ask for permission Clarke had surged forward, sucking Lexa’s bottom lip between her own, the angle giving each full access to the other. This wasn’t like the other times since Clarke came home. This was more, this was pure. It was like she was finally here and the tears came stronger than before

“He-hey. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

The brunette opened her half-lidded eyes in a blissful daze, pressing a long kiss to Clarke’s cheek, “Morning sunshine.”

 

\--

 

That was how Raven found them. Giddy and chuckling, in a strong embrace on Clarke’s bed in her cell. Lexa leaning her back against the wall with the pillow behind her as a cushion, with Clarke tucked safely on her lap, one arm carefully stroking the sliver of skin between Lexa’s shirt and sweat pants.

Did she mention the giddy laughing and 4 gigawatt smiles that probably shone with enough power for her to seriously consider better options for powering their alternate energy supply.

She quickly walked backwards through the door, only stumbling slightly, rubbed her eyes, gave her cheeks two nice pats and psyched herself up to enter the room again attributing what she earlier witnessed to the copious amounts of caffeine running through her veins.

Nope, they were still at it, only this time Clarke noticed her in the corner of her eye and nudged Lexa who refused to take her eyes off the warm bundle in her arms. She spoke without looking away from Clarke,

“Raven.”

“Lexa…Clarke?”

Clarke cocked her head but nodded to her, “Agent Reyes.”

Seeing no other words forthcoming Raven crossed her arms and tried again, “Is anyone planning on explaining this bizarre scene or am I just gonna keep gawking here like an idiot?”

Lexa had shifted her cheek to rest on Clarke’s hair finally turning to her best friend and held her gaze with her own intense ones, “She remembers.”

Now the young genius was truly gawking, “Wait-she…what?! How?”

“The how is…still unclear. Maybe fighting to remember so strongly was enough…maybe the torture with the electric shock helped spark my central nervous system’s response, maybe I really should thank my gramps for being the mad genius he is. All I know is while I was in my coma, I started to dream and realized they were memories. I was remembering.”

“Not everything...not yet. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll ever get it all back. It’s pretty vague on the exact details of some of the conditioning I went through…gets fuzzy when Costia takes over as my Director after Cage finally injected me with enough Red for my enhanced healing to go into shock.” She swallowed hard

“That finally allowed the chemical to run its course.”

“My childhood memories are well enough in place, the Red doesn’t aim to completely erase a person. Just knocks off a few years depending on the dosage. For all accounts and purposes with the amount of it in my system…for a normal person they would have ended up as a vegetable to put it plainly. Apparently I heal exactly 32.7% faster than normal humans.”

At that Lexa pulled back to look at her, “I thought you didn’t know the exact rate of your enhancements when compared with an average human.”

“…I didn’t before...”

The darkening of her gaze and haunted look of pain told Lexa what she needed to know. Those previous nightmares she told her about, where they would continuously break every bone in her body after she healed…those were memories. Probably all of her nightmares were. She squeezed her arms around her tighter, a strong will to protect the blonde emerging.

Raven looked grim, finally settling into the chair next to the bed and propping up her leg. She had also heard of Clarke’s nightmares since returning from the Mountain and had come to the same conclusion.

Clearing her throat Clare continued, “So yeah, all those early years stuck. After they pinpointed the rate of healing, it was really estimations that led to my dosage of the Red. I remember the first time I met you and Costia and Anya. When she came to get stitched up by my mom and you were freaking out until I led you to where we could watch. So you could see Anya was safe. I remember my childhood with my parents and the men and women agents they considered friends. That I considered to be aunts and uncles. I remember watching a fight between my parents, watching their trust slowly unravel. I remember those same people entering our house with my mother’s help and assassinating him when he gave up because they had shot me…”

“I remember the training I used to do, alongside Wells and a few other times with the other legacies at the get-togethers. It gets fuzzy during the time I spent off grid, I remember the first day of university, meeting Octavia, feeling paranoid like maybe she was a bit too nice. Don’t look at me like that I was right!”

Raven covered up her snort with a cough but still got the blonde’s glare.

“I can vaguely recall you Raven, stalking me into an alley. Pretty sure I beat all your asses before Lexa talked me down...or maybe Wells. You really grew out of that lanky pre-teen phase you had going on the one other time we met when I saw you with Sinclair. “

Lexa raised a brow in curiosity. Being a few years above her legacy class because of her impeccable training results meant she never really met the other legacies until she was called to lead. The engineer blushed and fixed Clarke with a glare of her own. Clarke rolled her eyes playfully, her tone going soft. She turned to Lexa.

“I remember how concerned you were after I got shot by Murphy even though you tried not to show it. It would come out, sometimes in the words you said but mainly through your actions. And I remember our first kiss. The first time you got me lunch. Wells and I…we sorted our shit out after everything. I remember thinking Commander Callaghan-Woods has a nice ring to it.”

She felt the vibrations of Lexa’s silent chuckle, “I remember the day I made you sit down and watch We Bare Bears with me during lunch. Being oddly jealous because you missed lunch one day. Was that…was that something we did often? Lunch? I feel like we did. Just thinking of lunch and well dinner makes me feel happy but...it’s not all there.”

She felt Lexa squeeze her before she could drift into the haze of sadness that was her jumbled thoughts. So attainable she could practically feel the emotions associated with them but couldn’t seem to fully recall them.

Lexa held her tightly until she was sure no more tears would be spilt from her precious eyes. Not if she had anything to say about it. She held her until the grips of lethargy drug her back into the realms of sleep. The nightmares were doing her no favors in the resting department.

“…I hate to be the total downer here Lexie but what do we do now?”

“First we rest, prepare for what’s to come.”

“And then?”

“Then we put an end to this, for real this time. No more Mountain Men.”

She lay down softly, allowing Clarke to rest her weight on her body for a well earned rest.

 

\--

 

When Clarke woke up just 2 hours later, seeming to gag on oxygen, Raven fetched the bucket from under the bed while Lexa rolled her onto her side. Just in time for her to expel red fluid from her mouth.

It took a solid hour for Raven and Clarke to calm Lexa down enough to convince her it wasn’t blood but in fact seemed to be the remnants of the Red. Her immune system finally clear enough of the drug to recognize it as harmful to her physiology.

Clarke felt the way Lexa’s body had tensed while she held back her hair from behind her. Rinsing her mouth with something Raven gave her that burned, she spit it out, let Raven take the bucket away and turned to the ex-Command.

“Hey, this isn’t your fault.”

That helped the brunette relaxed fractionally but the furrow still remained between her eyes, Clarke sighed and huddled under her chin. In a small voice she whispered, “It isn’t Costia’s fault either. The only ones to blame here are the Wallace’s.”

Lexa nodded finally sinking into the curves of the body leaning on her, not because she was totally convinced that she couldn’t have done more to save her but because she knew Clarke would keep trying to placate her before focusing on herself. She was always selfless like that, to an almost unhealthy extent. They had never talked about it much but Lexa often wondered if Clarke felt little of her own self-worth. Maybe one day they could address it. After she had gotten justice for what was done to her family.

Her parents, Anya, Costia and now Clarke. Soon Cage and everyone else associated with the Mountain would get what was coming to them.

She was pulled out from her musings by soft fingers tracing around her eyes and down the bridge of her nose, barely pressing on her lips and jaw before coming back up and starting the cycle again.

Lexa closed her eyes letting out a contented sigh. She grabbed the hand currently circling her features and pressed a kiss to each finger and then finally to her palm.

She opened her eyes to meet Clarke’s sparkling blue, “Hey, where did you go for a second?”

She brought the hand in Lexa’s grasp up to cup her cheek, gaining a small smile, “It’s nothing to worry you about.”

Clarke maneuvered herself so that she was facing Lexa on her pillow, studying her, “Nothing to worry me about now or nothing to worry me about ever?”

She knew she couldn’t lie to the still recovering girl in her arms, squeezing the arm cupping her face she sighed, “I really wish it was the last one but, I know you’ll worry regardless, I just…I just want today to just _be_ us. You know?”

Clarke just nodded and shrugged, “Probably to do with Costia, or Cage and his cronies. You’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

Her lips pressed firmly to blonde tresses in confirmation. There wasn’t much she could keep from her anyway. They stayed that way in comfortable silence just breathing in the other’s air.

“You know I’m surprised my mother hasn’t bounded down here already demanding to see me.”

Lexa’s eyes shot open, she knew she had forgotten something, noticing the blonde studying her closely she cleared her throat and met her gaze head on, “…about that.”

 

\--

 

“She’s forgotten quite a few things but…it’s really her this time. She’s back.”

Octavia breathed out a sigh of relief, not even realizing the silent tear escaping down her face. Miller pressed her to his side, letting her shed her tears into his chest. Fox was on his other side smiling wide. They were in the lounge assigned to their elite squad, surprisingly above ground. It looked over a nice view of the ocean and allowed them to see the sun cast its last glow for the day.

Bellamy and Lincoln were missing from their usual group, both still wracked with guilt over the orders they had followed.

They were all happy, even Murphy cocked a grin, Griffin had easily latched onto all of them and left her mark in their tight knit group. Quite a few of them guessed at how closely she and Lexa had latched onto each other.

Monroe smiled down at where Harper and Jasper were nudging Murphy, teasing him that he did care after all while he rolled his eyes but couldn’t rid his face of his smile. 

Monty had made it over to Raven’s side when she noticed the missing members of their group and sighed, “They’ve been avoiding us, pushing themselves to the brink. They have nightmares I think, of her screams while they… I think only seeing Clarke and Lexa will really help them at this point but,” he shrugged bring a hand under his chin, “the good news can’t hurt right?”

Raven only nodded her expression grim. Of all of them she and Octavia were still having a hard time coming to grips with what the boys had to do. With what Anya ordered them to do. Speaking of, she and the older woman needed to have a chat.

“Do me a favor and relay the message Monty? I need to have a talk with someone, urgently.”

“Yeah…yeah I think you do.”

 

\--

 

Hearing her door pushed open had Anya pausing behind her desk as Raven stepped in. Expression neutral. If there was anything she learned over the years it was that Raven Reyes was a passionate and expressive person. Their brief session of one night-stands had taught her that. Of course they were firmly over that part of their relationship, had been for years now.

Still she liked to think that she knew Raven quite well. Which was why a Raven without expression, with stony eyes and a clenched jaw. This neutral Raven was truly frightening.

“Knock, knock.”

Anya swallowed, pushing to her feet, “Raven. You know there is an etiquette to requesting and being admitted into Command’s office.”

“I’m aware Anya. Permission to speak freely?”

Anya pressed a hand to her head before returning to her seat and reaching under her chair, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

“Drink?”

The engineer eyed her unimpressed, “We need to talk Anya.”

The older woman flinched at the barely concealed venom but did not stop in her motions, pouring half a glass before knocking it back and pouring more, this time closing the bottle in her hand and returning it under her seat.

“I take it this is about Clarke then.” She could bring her eyes up to meet the burning amber gaze she was sure to find. So she fiddled, tapping a finger lightly against the glass on her desk filled with the intoxicating liquid.

“No actually.”

At that she looked up in surprise, Raven’s expression had only changed slightly, the veins in her neck showing and her eyes hardening.

“This is about your daughter. Well really your daughters. Because Tris…she wouldn’t be able to recognize you if she saw you now. Or have you forgotten about them? In your time off as the interim while you hid out with the other senior agents. Only for a year, not the full time like the rest of them but you still ran and hid. Did you forget that while Lexa may have been Command and may be an Agent of this organization, that she’s still just human? Still just a girl, a young adult at most? Did you forget that she is also your daughter? Not by blood but by something even stronger that connects us all as family.”

“Raven-“

“Lexa is your daughter Anya. You tortured the girl that your daughter is in love with.”

“I-“

“What would even possess you to act like how you did? To turn those two young men into traitors in the eyes of their people. Outsiders. Because that’s how they feel now Anya. Bellamy and Lincoln have isolated themselves from us, they are actively punishing themselves because of what you ordered them to do!”

As Raven’s voice rose and she lost more and more control of her actions she took slow, steps forward.

“And you had her watch as you ordered Bellamy to- I can’t even imagine. She saw her parents die in the back of an ambulance, she found Costia’s bloodied clothes, and then YOU her _mother_ tortured her lover.”

The brunette was past the point of being furious, she had stalked up to Anya’s desk and was leaning on it heavily breaths coming out loud and heavy. The younger girl futilely trying to calm herself.

“Imagine if Tris was in Clarke’s position. Imagine if she was taken and conditioned and brought back to your arms. After you blamed yourself for so long for her death. Can you even imagine what Lexa went through? She tried to kill herself…as much as we try to pretend she didn’t, we know exactly what she was trying to do after Clarke’s comm cut off. You know this, you fucking _know_ and yet the first thing you do when you get Clarke away from Lexa…”

“That isn’t you Anya, that cold detachment. That isn’t anyone. That isn’t living _that_ is just…pathetic. And I’m here to fix this. One way or the other.”

 

\--

 

Lexa felt consciousness pull at her by the soft press of lips between her shoulder blades and the fingers that seemed to absentmindedly trace the tattoo on her back despite being hidden from sight by her tank top.

She feigned sleep for a moment longer, basking in Clarke’s ministrations though she could tell from another kiss to her cheek that she had been busted. But Clarke continued on in her mindless mapping of Lexa’s tattoos and scars. Like she was trying to remember the body she had once spent hours memorizing and worshipping in the hazy glow of the early morning and late at night when meetings were done and training was finished and everyone else was peacefully dreaming.

The need to see what she had thought lost for so long was nearly overwhelming and she found she could no longer fight the urge to reassure herself that this was real.

 

She heard the blonde’s breath hitch at the abrupt appearance of her eyes that roamed the face in front of her with a great intensity. Intent on never forgetting an inch of the soft skin of Clarke’s face. Feeling the fingers on her back hesitating Lexa softened her gaze meeting curious blue. She reached out to close the small distance between where she lay on her back and Clarke sat above her, bringing her fingers to meet the edge of Clarke’s tank top, simply resting there.

Seeing the body relax more into the sheets below them Clarke’s fingers continued their tracing of the brunette’s back albeit more thoughtful than before.

“Did you rest at all Clarke?”

“I had a bit too much on my mind. Sorry for waking you.”

“Do you wish to talk about it?”

“Could I- Um…”

Lexa turned her gaze back from studying Clarke’s form and, let her eyes once again urging her without words to continue.

“Could I maybe…get a tattoo?”

Registering an undertone of urgency in her voice Lexa furrowed her brow and sat up. “Now? You wish to get a tattoo now?”

“Yeah I- I always admired yours, at least I feel as if I did and I just need something, something tangible. Something real besides the pain of my injuries and- every time I close my eyes and I feel the pain, in my back and my sides where they had me beaten all I keep getting are glimpses of what they did to me. And I can’t tell what’s real from what I’m just imaging happened and I thought maybe a different kind of pain could help me focus on that instead and have it as like a reminder when I wake up from a nightmare like, to _ground_ me in the present instead of my injuries from the past and- yeah.“

Seeing the understanding in the young leader’s eyes Clarke cut off her rambling, clearing her throat. “So…?”

Lexa silently lifted herself from the bed, and left without a word, returning a few minutes later with a black cloth bag containing standard black ink signifying those of the elite squad and other tattoo equipment.

Lexa set everything out on a towel on her bed and then turned to pick up some loose paper from Clarke’s sketch books that she kept in the bottom drawer of her desk with a stick of charcoal.

“If you draw the design you want, I am quite adept as a tattoo artist.” Lexa didn’t know why her smile was suddenly shy. Maybe it was because this was something she had never shared, not even with Clarke before her mission.

Clarke smiled softly, thankful for the woman who hadn’t left her side. She pressed a lingering kiss to the corner of her mouth causing Lexa to take a shuddering breath.

“Mochof.”

 

\--

 

Lexa stood, steely eyes, shoulders set, Raven sitting not too far behind her as her silent support. Her plan for convincing the council in place, Miller and Raven agreed, if they ever wanted to consider going after Cage and possibly saving Costia then they had to be in charge. As far as the council was concerned the threat of the Mountain Men was neutralized and no longer a threat. They’d never authorize their elite team to go on a black ops mission to kill one man and save a woman who may not want to be saved.

Even though Raven had reassured her Anya would go along with whatever they wanted to do, she was only interim Command and would not have the authority to allow the elite squad to carry on their mission without passing it by a council vote.

 “The Mountain has been almost completely obliterated by you kids and your hard word, our people are finally safe again.”

“…not all of them Councilor.” Swallowing she forced her gaze to meet Abby’s dead on, “One of their recovered _reapers_ remembers, Costia Greene was their Director. They’ve had her for years while we grieved her memory but Costia is alive and Cage still has her. She is still our people. Please, just give my team one last chance and then I will gladly resign from the position of Command peacefully but she’s my family. She’s one of us and The Ark owes her that much at least. The chance to kill her captors and bring her back to where she belongs.”

“If she really was a Director then for all we know Leksa, there is where she belongs now.”, She turned to Anya, playing her job of devil’s advocate well

“We appreciate everything you’ve done Agent Woods but as the interim Command we are inclined to listen to Anya’s point of view on this matter.” Councilor Jaha said, leaning one hand on the desk while the other reached towards Lexa almost as if to settle her concerns. She barely refrained from scoffing at him.

“There are no pressing matters at hand, with all the resources available and me as Command we could easily finish this mission in three days at most without disrupting the day to day Ark functions. Plus I wouldn’t so readily listen to a woman who has done nothing but lie to you all since she was placed into power.”

That got their attention which was exactly what she wanted.

“The reaper my team found and Anya had...rehabilitated for the past few days, is Agent Griffin, Clarke Griffin.”

She heard Abby gasp even as she eyed the other 3 council members she would have to convince to get this to work. Councilor Jaha, Kane and Sinclair, three men directly involved in the death of Jake Griffin. She was hoping the shock of the news would bring those who felt the most guilt for that night on her side in the next order of business.

“I move for a vote to replace Anya as the interim Command. All agreed?”

Lexa, Sinclair, Abby and Marcus instantly raised their arms as well as Indra and councilor Cartwig.  Not very surprising was Councilor Shumway’s disapproval of the upheaval though Jaha’s was not something she anticipated. Still it was enough for her to win the vote. With no interim Command a new one had to be chosen immediately or the council would decide on the next Command immediately based on the hierarchy.

“You do realize Lexa this does not automatically put you up as Command?” Thelonious said looking at her intrigued. But he wouldn’t figure this one out, she had much more people on her side now, sympathetic with Clarke’s plight and Jake’s wrongful demise.

“I am aware Councilor but as you have said, after your mistake you never wish to take up the mantle of Command again, neither does Shumway, Dr. Griffin and Councilors Kane and Sinclair. Anya has just been voted out and cannot take it. That leaves Callie and Indra.”

Councilor Cartwig merely shook her head, “I decline.”, and Indra just rolled her eyes at the politics of it all, “We all know this is the right thing to do don’t we? Lexa.” She nodded her ascent.

Anya also nodded, standing to take off the sash of Command required during formal meetings and clipped it back where it belonged on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Thank you all. This is only a temporary arrangement I assure you. Once this mission is done…expect my resignation. Meeting adjourned.”

Lexa walked away, Raven on her tail even as the echo of a slap rang out in the room behind her. Of course she and Anya had agreed at the time to keep Clarke’s state from her mother but that decision was still ultimately up to the interim Command. And after what she did to Clarke she couldn’t find it in her to feel sorry.

She stopped just down the hall as Abby rushed towards her with Kane and Sinclair.

“Don’t think I don’t know what you did in there. You manipulated us. You knew just as well as Anya and could have easily told me-“

“I was under direct orders from a superior agent Abby. Do you really want to argue about this now?”

Thankfully they were saved from a falling out when Clarke limped around the corner supported by Octavia and placed a calming hand on Lexa’s forearm.

“Hi mom.” She said meekly, unable to meet the woman’s gaze, the hand on Lexa’s arm squeezing painfully before pulling away as she was swept into a hug.

Clarke flinched away, her back still healing as well as the work she had done on her abdomen and Abby noticed immediately, fretting over her.

“Oh Clarke, what’s wrong honey? Where does it hurt? Let me see.”

Lexa, Octavia and Raven watched on amused as Clarke struggled to stop her mom from lifting up her shirt in front of the others.

“Mom!”

“Come now Clarke we’re all professionals. Let me just take a look, I’m sure Nyko has done a good job but-“

She stopped talking finally lifting the front of Clarke’s shirt only to be met with thick. Black. Ink. Elite squad black ink. Swirling in the pattern of half of a sun that escaped under the edge of her bra for everyone to see. It covered half her abs.

Octavia let out a low whistle.

"Damn princess." Raven mumbled out 

“You got a TATTOO!?”

Octavia couldn’t hold in her laughter, of course Clarke’s mom would notice the tattoo before she inspected the healing burn marks on her daughter’s back.

Clarke sputtered, mostly in shock, trying to explain the fresh ink on her skin and glaring subtly at her girlfriend who could only give her a soft smile and amused eyes as Clarke slowly died of embarrassment. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's tattoo btw (https://www.askideas.com/media/73/Fabulous-Tribal-Sun-Tattoo-Design.jpeg)
> 
> So a bit fluffier right? Though any chapter where Clarke isn't tortured is probably gonna be fluffier regardless right? I mean unless I kill someone or something...  
> So! Anyway I spy something beginning with S! Who wants to guess what?  
> Also did anyone notice the only memories Clarke really has besides her childhood are the scenes that have been flashbacks in this series? ;D


	7. Something Beginning With R

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is back in Command, for all intents and purposes all is well. Now the team must regroup and prepare for what just might be their final run as a team. The members of the Ark must face their decisions thus far their victories as well as their sorrows, their regrets, the things that cause them to feel...guilty.

 

 

“Huh, and I thought Griffin’s butt was magnificent but those abs…”

“I know, can I get an amen?”

Lexa shot a deathly glare over her shoulder where Raven and Octavia were blushing at being overheard. Octavia at least had the sense to look somewhat sheepish until her Command narrowed her eyes in an exaggerated manner, then the look on the younger brunette’s face slowly turned to fear.  Kane and Sinclair had made to excuse themselves when they saw how embarrassed Clarke was slowly becoming by her mother’s attention.

“Uhh.. so I just, um. What’s that? Indra’s calling me? Yeah so I better just-”

The young agent sprinted around the corner and out of sight leaving Lexa with Raven and her wolfish grin.

It really didn’t help that Clarke’s shirt was still discarded on the floor leaving her newly inked skin and rather lacy black bra on display for everyone still in the hallway, namely RAVEN REYES, with a completely uninhibited view of her girlfriend’s chest area.

Raven definitely didn’t seem to mind one bit and the brunette knew no amount of intimidation techniques would work on her. Rolling her eyes she turned back to the blushing blonde and her mother

“Eh hem Abby. Perhaps moving to the medical wing or at least someplace with a chair would be wise. Clarke is still recovering from her injuries and malnourished state.”

“You are right on that.” The older woman said poking Clarke’s visible rib outline, “Oh what did they do to you?” she mumbled worriedly

“Come on, let’s go to Lexa’s room. That _is_ where I assume you’re staying yes? Don’t think I missed the looks you two have been giving one another. Don’t think this means we won’t be having words Command, ” The doctor said eyeing the two girls in particular.

Lexa felt the tips of her ears turning hot under the mother of her girlfriend’s scrutiny and cleared her throat while Clarke embarrassedly hung her head.

“Mooommm.”

Lexa’s eyes followed Clarke and her mother until they disappeared around the corner. It wasn’t long before another set of footsteps approached her.

Turning she was surprised to see the councilman before her, “Councilman Jaha.” Raven gave her a look before leaving the two higher ups to talk.

“Command. Congratulations on getting reinstated for the time being. I hope you understand it was nothing personal, me voting against you. I simply thought you kids would want this time to rest and allow us to make up for the mistakes of the past. Lord knows we’ve asked far too much of the younger generation already. I- I can hardly even recognize my own son anymore. It was...presumptuous of me to think that you’d want us to try and take that justice out of your hands.”

His words shocked her, but not for lack of sincerity. She allowed her gaze to soften and offered her arm in a sign of acceptance of his words.

“I appreciate your candor councilman and your concern but you don’t have to worry about me or my team. We’ll finish Clarke’s work when she all but destroyed their last stronghold and see that the Mountain is gone, permanently.”

“I know you will Woods. I have the utmost faith in you all.”

Despite the obvious end to their conversation the older man still lingered and Lexa cold hazard a guess as to why.

“You may think she hates you but in her time in the world she has come to grasp a bit of what it means to be a leader. To make the tough decisions. I’m sure given time she’ll listen to what you have to say but for now you should let Clarke heal.”

He looked down to the ground before smiling sadly at the young woman, “Always observant Alexandria, always watching. An excellent judge of character full of a strength and honor that the position of Command had sorely been lacking for many years. I may regret many things from my time as Command and even now on the Council but I will never regret nominating you to take over in our place.”

With that he left Lexa alone with her thoughts for the first time in a while. Lexa sighed allowing the tension of the day to finally seep from her shoulders.

Knowing Clarke would need some time with her mother she decided to take a rest in her office before she paid a visit that she feared was long overdue.

 

\--

 

“We did the right thing in there. You of all people should know that.”

Anya heaved part of her relieved to not have the burden of so many lives on her shoulders anymore and another part of her feeling guilty for once again giving that heavy load to her daughter.

Indra hated to see the weight of the role rest on any of the women she had come to welcome as her family. Anya had given up a great deal to the Ark over the years. Not as much as Lexa but damn near close enough.

The only thing probably worse than losing a parent was a parent that had to watch as they lost their only child. And the woman had already lost two of them. Tris and indeed Costia. She had to find a way to reconnect with Lexa and pull her out of her grief after the young girl found the blood remaining in their home.

Or at least she thought she had lost Costia but new developments would lead them to believe otherwise.

“I don’t understand, it’s been years. She’s been alive under our noses for so long with th-those…” Anya felt her anger overwhelm her and stopped, leaning on a wall to take a few deep breaths, “Why weren’t we informed? If Groundwork is so capable of finding preemptive attacks and stopping them then why-”

“That’s the exact keyword Anya, preemptive. They weren’t targeting Costia she was simply caught in the crossfire.”

The two women looked up at the interaction, noticing Raven for the first time.

“Agent Woods, it’s time to run some more tests…”

Nodding, Anya bid Indra goodbye and followed the engineer back to her lab. There was still some underlying tension from their last talk but for the most part they walked in a somewhat comfortable silence.

Once they entered the girl’s quarters Anya removed her outer jacket and hopped onto one of the examination tables. Since her rescue from the Mountain Men thanks to Clarke’s cunning and sacrifice Raven had made her a customized prosthetic in place of her missing limb and she had taken to wearing long sleeved jackets with a glove over the metallic hand. She knew she wasn’t so much dealing with her newfound disability as hiding from it and concealing it from the world but..she had been kind of busy before. You know what with her daughter losing it and trying to kill herself over the guilt she felt or the thought of not having Clarke with her any longer. Anya still wasn’t entirely sure on that front. She wasn’t sure on anything going through Lexa’s head ever since she and the senior agents outright abandoned the younger ones to fend for themselves. Because that was the truth of it. They had abandoned them. Failed them in the greatest time of emergency the Ark had ever faced. Against all prior protocols and guidelines set forth by previous Commands and Counsels Because their lives were in danger...but then that came with the job description didn’t it?

What exactly was the Ark at its core? No one really knows. Jaha was the only living Command who demanded those answers and after that he strongly advised every Command after him that it simply wasn’t worth it. The agents should all just do their jobs. In this case he truly believed ignorance was bliss.

Anya never bothered looking, taking his warnings to heart and as far as she knew Lexa didn’t look either. Still there would always be that lingering curiosity. In its simplest terms what they did was easy and it all centered on the  division only known as Groundwork. Groundwork would release a person to them, a specific name and place. That person, could either be the perpetrator or victim of an upcoming attack that would inevitably leave someone dead if not dealt with. Then Command would relay the mission to the two main Agent Divisions both equally important.

Division One dealt with all relevant persons who were seen as threats to national security. The ones that planted bombs, wanted to kill nation leaders, spread terror,  threatened to reveal highly classified secrets, mass murderers who finally felt unhinged enough to go through with whatever plot they had concocted.

Division two dealt with those threats deemed as irrelevant. Where the loss of life would be minimal at best. But still everyone was relevant to someone and the Ark had enough agents to spare for the sake of saving even one human life.

That was what they did. They worked, from the shadows only known to select heads of countries with multiple branches, one dedicated to each country across the globe. And the Ark, the first such instance of this organization headed by Command, the quintessential leader of this coalition of organizations was at the very head.

Of course each iteration of the Ark had their own leader, their own Command like figure and their own specific name to help differentiate one Ark from the other.  To think there was a time the Ark was so small its founding team at its prime consisted of just six agents and a dog.

Nyko’s arrival was enough to pull Anya out of their musings so her examination could begin. He smiled at her and slowly, delicately, detached the fake limb from its socket and removed the synthetic bandage, revealing the still healing skin underneath. Luckily enough Clarke had cut clean through her arm and no infection had occurred. Still the older woman couldn’t bring herself to look at what remained of her right arm. Noticing her discomfort Raven limped over to where Anya was staring dutifully at the dull walls of her lab and rest a hand on her shoulder.

The tension in her shoulders eased, dropping and Anya met the brunette’s gaze gratefully. After how much she had royally fucked up she hardly deserved the comfort and understanding that came from the young woman but for now she would allow herself this small reprieve. Later she would have a lot of making up to do for all the regret she shouldered, she needed to make it right.

“When this is over,” Raven whispered softly from beside her, “Maybe you should give your daughter a call. She misses you.”

 

\--

 

“Bellamy.”

The man froze in his retreat back to his quarters. Barely an adequate meal on the tray he had sequestered from the cafe for the first time in the last 39 hours. A part of him just honestly couldn’t stomach it after what he had done and one of the main reasons why was now standing behind him.

“Command.” he replied, voice gruff from little use. He immediately stood at attention, or as much as he could with the food in his hand.  He didn’t dare to meet Lexa’s eyes as she walked to stand beside him.

“Follow me Agent Blake.”

He nodded, going to place his tray down but she stopped him with a hand to his wrist, “You can bring your food. Come.”

With his head lowered and a hunch to his shoulders he obediently followed not daring to act out of line as the guilt and sadness consumed him. He didn’t fear this meeting with Lexa, he anticipated it. Waited eagerly for it. He deserved whatever punishment she saw fit.

Following her he instantly noticed their path was taking them straight to the quarters of one Agent Pine. Pausing outside his door she knocked. It was only a moment before feet padded softly forward and the door opened.

Looking in surprise at Lexa and her brother trailing dutifully behind their leader Octavia excused herself from the room sharing a concerned look which Lexa alleviated with a simple blink of her eyes. Conversation without words came easily enough to the squad after such a long time fighting together. She turned down the hall nudging her brother playfully on her way attempting to alleviate his tense set stance to no avail.

Stepping into the room Lexa surveyed it softly before her gaze landed on Lincoln standing at attention, eyes fixated just left of Lexa’s own, he like Bellamy refusing to meet her green gaze. She sighed, this could take more than she had anticipated.

Shuffling over she took a seat in the arm chair to the left of Lincoln’s living room and attempted to relax, signalling with a hand that the others should attempt the same.

The moment they took their respective seats on the couch beside her, she took a deep breath and began, “I’m not...angry. I don’t hate you, either of you-”

“But-” Lincoln protested

“Command if there is anyone you should blame let it be me. I am blame worthy- what I have done…I don’t think I’ve ever regret anything more.” She let Bellamy taper off before she spoke

“I don’t. I probably should all things considered. Bellamy, a fellow legacy you knew Clarke even before I did. You met her when you were both still very young though you were never close. Lincoln, I always considered you a friend, my family. I’m sorry if you ever felt differently. I’ve worked alongside both of you for years now, you will always be _my_ team, my kru.”

She could hear Bellamy’s breathing become sharper and could only guess he was trying to hold back tears. She had to take a deep breath and compose herself before continuing

“I know what you did wasn’t done because of any malicious intent or anything of the sort, and I know,” She paused, leaning forward to bring her hands up to her head, a sign she was stressed, “I know you were under orders from your Command. I get it but just...put yourselves in my shoes. Imagine if that was Octavia, bound and being beaten after she was just rescued from torture and conditioning. Imagine watching as people you consider to be family restrained you from going to her and continued to beat her in front of you.”

“W-w-we are so so sorry Leksa.”

Lincoln’s breathing was now coming out in gasps and it was hard to see such capable, loyal men crumbling in tears full of regret over what they had done.

“I know you are”, She said standing before she too started out in tears, “but your forgiveness is not to come from me. That is for Clarke to give you. And I won’t punish you, it’s clear you already seem to that to yourselves enough.”

 

\--

 

Monroe hummed an old song her grandmother used to sing to her when she was small. Monty and Octavia leaned against the far wall. The two attempting to put their youngest member at ease with their presence. She trusted Lexa of course, they all did but what they had done to Clarke- what they were ordered to do to Clarke was just…

Miller was facing away from the entrance to the team’s private gym, gazing out at the setting sun over the horizon. Murphy sat by his feet head down just staring at his hands in front of him. Raven and Jasper soon walked in and after sharing a look joined him. Wells paced steadily around the mat placed in the middle of the sparring floor in their private practise area. Fox was to the side in a darkened corner flipping her blade lazily in the air before expertly catching it. Harper stood in the middle of it all watching the calculated storm clouds brewing over each of them and not doing anything to stop it.

That was how Luna found them, all in their own states of contemplation. Being the trainer of this little elite team was proving to be more trouble than she had anticipated but with what Lexa had finally revealed to her she couldn’t help but empathize with the young adults. Letting out a low breath she clapped her hands and the group immediately stood at attention.

With a deep breath she began, “I know these past few weeks have been, trying to say the least. I know that I can never understand what you all have gone through in your own ways. But I can empathize from my own experiences. You all are of the Elite Squad. The best the Ark has to offer. Your tattoos signify your loyalty and commitment and the entire Ark organization thanks you for this.”

Turning she paced ahead slowly, meeting each of them square in the eye, “Know that no one will think any less of you if you choose to quit now. I am giving you leave to resign now freely, with no regrets.”

“...”

Silence.

That was what she was met with a resounding silence borne of the blood that had been spilt both by them and from their bodies. Luna smiled seeing this, all of them still strong in their convictions and subtly let out a relieved breath.

“Good, then let’s start.”

Luna lined them up Octavia and Harper on one training mat, Murphy and Jasper on the next. Then Wells and Fox, Monroe and Monty and finally Miller and Raven.

“Lexa has insisted we go back to dueling basics, you will be making sure each other is in correct form over the following drills and then you will spar. Jab then punch, thirty minutes for as fast as you can. Focus on your form, your breathing. We will be here for quite some time today but this isn’t about pacing yourselves. I need to assess all of your limits as individuals and as a team.”

They each gave their own acknowledgment and crouched into their fighter’s stance.

“Begin.”

It was about an hour or so later that Lincoln and Bellamy also entered the area, tears still evident despite the fact that they both washed their faces and attempted to compose themselves.

Luna took one look at them and shook her head, “You two aren’t fit for combat training today.”

“But ma’am!”

“All due respect-”

“That wasn’t a suggestion agents. You would allow yourselves to get beaten into oblivion if given the chance and I will not allow self-destructive behavior in  my training sessions. Go figure out the cure to the ails of your conscience and then you may join your team. Until then I don’t want either of you setting a foot into this practise area.”

Nodding meekly they turned back the way they came. Both knew what they had to do or rather who they had to speak to. But it seemed neither of them had the stomach to face her. Not yet.

 

\--

 

“This is what they call rehabilitation.”

The earlier calm atmosphere was instantly replaced the moment Abigail Griffin caught sight of her daughter’s healing burns.

“I suppose it’s too late to convince you the Mountain did it? In a way they did. If they hadn’t tried to reaperize the shit out of me then technically none of this would have happened so by that logic…”

Clarke trailed off at her mother’s clearly unamused glare.

“Yeah, I was pretty shit at logic questions in school anyway.”

She looked down unused to so much attention from her mother after avoiding her for so long. After blaming her for such a long time, “Hey could have been worse right mom? I mean dad wasn’t even an actual traitor and he’s pretty dead so…”

She heard the pained gasp come from somewhere behind her. A part of her, somewhere deep inside really did feel sorry for the hurt she intentionally caused. Another part of her just didn’t care.

“Clarke…” The daughter refused to meet saddened amber eyes

She wondered if she could have done it. If the one she loved was said to be guilty for a terrible act and condemned by her people to die. Could she have stood aside and just watch from afar as their friends tore into their house and attempted to murder the one she loved? All because Command had ordered it so. Or would she have fought tooth and nail and failing that would she have run? Run away with her love somewhere even the Ark couldn’t reach. Go off the grid completely as Clarke had succeeded in doing for  years. Or at least she thought she had. Her circumstances that led to the point where she currently sat said otherwise.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Clarke I-”

“I’m not ready to talk about this mom!” With a huff she jumped down from the examination table and grabbed her shirt. Throwing it on despite the fact that her bandages were removed. She’d find Lexa or Nyko and have them reapply the bandages and salve later. Now she needed to get away.

“Clarke please at least let me fix your back.” She pleaded seeing her daughter wince as she moved the shirt over her bare torso.

“Not right now mom _please_. Not now. Soon ok but.Not. Now.”

“OK,” Abby affirmed putting her hands up and slumping away from the girl she had given birth to in defeat. The girl that could hardly look at her.

They both startled when the door opened abruptly and Lexa barged in with Ryder. Clarke instantly relaxed and stepped into her side sagging against her in relief, “Ryder heard yelling ?”

She asked probing but still not demanding an answer, for that the blonde was grateful, “Me and my mother still have some issues to work out is all and I’m kind of tired.”

Nodding, placing a hand gingerly around Clarke’s waist she led her to the edge of her bed, “Abby, I must ask you to please leave. Clarke needs to rest. The less stress the better.”

Abby took a shuddering breath but held back her protests. Lexa was right as much as she regretted that being so. And Clarke, her baby girl had every right to shun her as she had. At least seeing the care in Lexa’s eyes gave her a sense of ease knowing she had someone to lookout for her. To truly care for her. Without  a backwards glance she left the girls, no the young women, in Lexa’s room and attempted to gain some composure before she broke down right outside their door.

 

\--

 

“Are you alright niron?” Lexa asked, kneeling in front of where Clarke sat on the bed.

Numbly the blonde nodded and Lexa could see by her unfocused gaze that she was very much lost in her memories. The post traumatic stress Clarke suffered was very real and at times it was very trying but Lexa knew she would not leave her side ever again. Staying with her, falling for her, loving her was not something she would ever regret.

Nimbly she climbed onto the bed, removing her jacket as she went with the pauldron sash still attached, she climbed back to the headboard, sat, and pulled Clarke into her lap. The blonde instinctively curling under her chin like a lost child needing comfort.

“Lexa closed her eyes holding back tears and hummed, a tune Anya used often to calm Costia’s nightmares. She hoped now it could also help keep the darkness at bay from Clarke’s mind.

She hummed and stroked her hair and rubbed circles into the middle of her back until Clarke stiffened before turning to nuzzle the skin at Lexa’s shoulder.

“What do you feel?” This was a game they had concocted of sorts, to help Clarke differentiate from her episodes and her reality. It had proven useful the few other times they had tried it.

“Cotton, your shorts. Fur, the blankets we’re sitting on…”

“Good,” Lexa encouraged with a kiss to her forehead, “What else?”

Taking in a sharp breath Clarke replied, “Skin, your fingers against my spine, my fingers gripping your bicep.”

It was then she realized the tight grip she had held on Lexa’s arm, almost bruising  and immediately loosened it but Lexa only held her tighter., “What do you smell Clarke.” Lexa asked with another kiss, this one to her drooped eyelids.

“Cinnamon, metal, it’s Ryder outside down the hall a bit. Vanilla, the shampoo you used this morning.”

“Mmm you mean the one we both used together.” the memory of their shared morning was enough to bring a smile to Clarke’s face and signaled to Lexa that she was back.

Tilting her fingers under her chin she brought her head up to meet her gaze, “Hello my sunshine.”

Pressing forward Clarke brought her lips up to seal together in a short but intimate caress, “Hei meizen.”

Grinning Lexa lowered them both to lay down more comfortably even though Clarke still stubbornly clung on top of Lexa like a koala.

Brushing the hair from her face Lexa sighed in contentment, “You should rest, I can have lunch and dinner brought to us.”

“At the same time?” Clarke asked grinning

“If that is what you wish, but first let me get the shirt off your back, some air will do it good.”

“Mmm” Clarke groaned, stretching up to remove her now slightly bloody shirt before making herself even more comfortable in her new favorite lounging position, “I guess we shouldn’t be greedy with both but I’m not really tired.” she argued despite slotting a leg between Lexa’s and curling into her side as was their usual sleeping arrangements.

“Very well,” Lexa turned and grabbed a remote, “I believe you have not yet finished educating me on the wonders of the talking bears.”

Smiling warmly Clarke somehow managed to snuggle in deeper and Lexa grabbed her hand with her own, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. It took only seventeen minutes before Clarke was passed out feeling safe and finding solace in the warmth of Lexa’s presence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe heeeeyyy guys. It's been a minute give or take a few months. But I am gonna say that I will never just outright abandon a fic without telling you guys first and this is a fic I intend to finish eventually. If for no one else then for my twin cause they like it enough I would feel bad not finishing it. Even if it takes awhile between updates know that this will be a completed fic.
> 
> Good luck with the I spy by the way, hint - it's a recurring word and also a bit of a theme for this chapter in general
> 
> Trig Translations
> 
> niron - Love  
> Hei meizen - hello beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> So..I did this thing. Let me know how it was! And feel free to actually play I Spy with me and the chapter titles. I won't reveal what they stand for till the story's done. And whoever guesses right gets like 50 house points  
> Thanks to Camille for the torture description suggestions...that could've been way more violent


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